


When the sun caught Icarus

by Asimi_Shadowborn



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Canon Compliant, Hanahaki Disease, Hinted IwaOi, Interhigh finals first season, M/M, Someone save Semi, Two Pining Idiots, Weekly Updates, i only write happy endings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-04 01:25:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 33,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17888933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asimi_Shadowborn/pseuds/Asimi_Shadowborn
Summary: Semi cracks one eye open and squints up at him. His lips twitch and he seems to be on the brink of hysterical laughter. Ushijima has only seen him make this expression once before – when he didn’t sleep for two days while studying because he misread the date of a test, only to hear later that the test had been cancelled.“You’re kidding right? Tell me you’re kidding.”How to pine without realizing you're pining: a guide - by Ushijima Wakatoshi.(Made possible by Semi's meddling)





	1. Bud

**Author's Note:**

  * For [miracleboysatori](https://archiveofourown.org/users/miracleboysatori/gifts).



> Hey hey hey! I’ve thought so long about this moment that I have absolutely no idea what to say. This work is the first of a series of fics that I’ve been wanting to work on for the longest time, but I wasn’t able to create them due to school. I can’t wait to share more fics with you in the future and I hope you enjoy this first one! ^^
> 
> A special thanks goes out to my wonderful beta [AnneLilian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnneLilian/pseuds/AnneLilian)! Thank you for letting me drag you into the Haikyuu!! fandom and thanks for all the work you put into rereading this!! 
> 
> I also want to thank Kat ([AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/miracleboysatori/pseuds/miracleboysatori), [Tumblr](http://tendou-satori.tumblr.com/), [Art Tumblr](http://kat-doodles.tumblr.com/)) and Kai ([Tumblr](https://kaigrt.tumblr.com/), [Twitter](https://twitter.com/kai_grt/)) :) The art that you two have shared with the community has been a great inspiration to me and I can’t thank you enough for sharing it all with us! Please go check them out everyone, they’re great!
> 
> * * * 
> 
> Every chapter in this fic is based on a specific song that plays a large part in the story. For the first chapter; [Panic! At The Disco – One of the drunks (lyrics are in the description)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cc7GJAMo5SY).
> 
> Also: I want to note that I use a lot of ‘~’ whenever Tendou is talking. I use it to indicate when he’s speaking is his singsong-like voice. If his sentence is void of any ‘~’, you can assume that he’s quite serious.
> 
> I want to say that I know that the legal drinking age in Japan is 20 y/o, it’s 16 in my own country, so I overlooked it while writing, I’m sorry. (You can consider them bad boys because they ignored the law or assume that the laws are different in HQ-universe, it doesn’t matter – whatever makes you feel comfortable)
> 
> This fic will be updated every week :)
> 
> * * * 
> 
> Talk Tendou to me! – You can do so in the comments or on [Tumblr](http://riseoftheplanetofthesnapes.tumblr.com/) & [Twitter](https://twitter.com/AsimiShadowborn)  
> (Other subjects are welcome too, though :p)
> 
> Ps: Thank you, Sil~chan, for all the encouragement you’ve given me! This fic wouldn’t have existed if it weren’t for you!

“Goshiki… Can you please tell me what you are doing?”

Ohira Reon's soothing voice breaks the near-quiet of the club room. A dark-haired boy had been muttering softly, while staring at a closed locker with such an intensity that it's a surprise his gaze hadn't burned a hole through it.

The silence that follows his question only lasts for a second, during which Goshiki Tsutomu seems to have turned into a human ice statue. He quickly defrosts, though, shaking a little as he turns to face his senpai. The explanation that follows comes in the form of one giant sentence, Reon only interrupting Goshiki when the other’s face is starting to become too red to be healthy. He waits until Goshiki’s skin colour looks more or less normal again before he asks:

“So… You’re staring at Ushijima’s locker because you want to become a better ace?”

Ohira tries to school his expression into a more neutral one. Years of listening to Tendou’s exaggerated stories and one year of entertaining all of Shirabu’s (not so) quiet insults have made him quite proficient in maintaining a poker face at all times.

“YES!” Goshiki nervously waves his arms around in a marionette-like fashion, relieved that Ohira seems to understand his explanation.

“But that… doesn’t make any sense? How would staring at his locker help you?”

Goshiki keeps waving his arms, but lowers his voice to an excited whisper, his words trembling with emotion.

“I need to follow Ushijima-san as closely as possible, if I want to beat him and become ace. A boy in my class says that Ushijima always buys the same things from their family shop. I need to eat what he’s eating if I want to beat him. I’m sure there must be some clue to his secret diet plan in his locker.”

If this plan made any sense to Ohira he didn’t let it show.

“They’ll be here any second. I just came after you because I saw you running away. Can’t you just ask Wakatoshi for his meal plans or something?”

Goshiki’s reaction that he _obviously_ couldn’t do that since Ushijima would surely lie to protect his title went unheard as the door bursts open and a bickering Semi and Shirabu enter the room. They’re closely followed by Soekawa and Ushijima, the last of which frowns lightly when he sees Ohira and Goshiki huddled together in front of his locker. The youngest tries desperately not to be seen – with the result of standing out even more as he tries to shuffle behind Ohira’s back.

“Ushijima. I believe someone has to ask you something about your locker.”

Ushijima waits silently as he watches how Ohira tries to step aside, only to be followed by Goshiki with every move he makes. It’s almost as if Ohira gained a moving, bowl-haired hump. This little show continues while the rest of their teammates leisurely file into the club room.

Ushijima breaks the weird dance off by simply asking: “is there something you need from my locker, Goshiki?”

Goshiki seems to finally accept that he can’t run from his senpai and appears from behind Ohira’s back. His face is white but determent.

“C-can you please show me what’s inside of your locker, Ushijima-san?!” Ushijima blinks.

“Why would you-“

“I need to know to become a better ace, senpai!”

Shirabu clicks his tongue from where he’s standing at his own locker, hitting Goshiki’s cabinet from his place next to it.

“Stop blabbering and get dressed Tsutomu, you idiot.”

“Language!” shouts Yamagata from across the room.

Ushijima turns his head to look at Ohira, trying to make sense of it all. When Ohira shrugs he turns back to Goshiki and regards his clenched fists and bright eyes.

“I don’t know why you need to see my locker, but I don’t really care either way.”

Goshiki seems to hold his breath when Ushijima steps forward to unlock the door. The locker opens with a little creaking sound, revealing… clothes.

Goshiki frowns, disbelieving.

“I don’t get it? Where’s your special food? The diet plans and stuff?”

Ushijima is understanding less and less of what his kouhai is talking about. Nonetheless, the disappointment that’s currently showing on the younger’s face is disconcerting and he tries to answer the weird comments as candidly as always.

“I just use the diet plan that coach Washijo gave us.”

He steps past Goshiki to take his clothes. Ohira turns and reaches for his own locker.

“B-but”

Goshiki remains rooted to the spot, seemingly unknowing what to do with this non-discovery.

“But Shinso said-“

He gasps when Ushijima pulls out his sweatshirt and a paper bag become visible.

“Aha!” All life seems to have returned to Tsutomu’s face. “That’s it, right?! That’s your secret food?”

Ushijima stares at him with an impassive face.

“Those are just my peaches.”

He pulls out the bag and shows its content to his kouhai. Inside of the bag are two perfect, reddish pieces of fruit with fuzzy peels. Goshiki seems to deflate where he stands and looks at the fruit as if they destroyed his every hope and dream. Ushijima doesn’t understand the severity of this reaction.

He just puts the bag back into his locker and finally pulls on his sweatshirt.

“I like peaches. Their smell is comforting.”

“Just… Peaches? But how will that–“

A pale face with red hair appears from behind Ushijima’s back and rests their chin on his shoulder.

“Are you holding a party in front of your locker Wakatoshi~kun? Why wasn’t I invited? That’s so rude~”

Goshiki cuts his sentence short as lazy eyes focus on his face. They seem to glow almost red in the late afternoon sun that’s streaming through the glass roof. Though Tendou has never been mean to him, he can’t help but be intimidated by the tall middle blocker. The unnerving feeling dissolves at the next words that leave the redhead’s mouth.

“Are you talking about your peaches again, Wakatoshi~kun?”

This seems to give Goshiki a new idea. Instead of trying to get answers by interrogating the taciturn ace, he focuses all his attention on this new well of information. Tendou-senpai seems to be in Ushijima’s vicinity at all times after all, so he must know about the secret shopping trips too.

“What do you mean by that, senpai?”

“Wellll~ it’s just as I said, isn’t it? He has an intense love for peaches.”

“You should talk while dressing, Tendou”, Soekawa sighs. Goshiki is no longer the only one who’s intrigued. The other first years have decided to listen too, while their senpais continue their conversations – disinterested in a story that they’ve heard before.

“Our miracle ace has been eating peaches by the dozens since second year. I guess he’s probably eaten three thousand by now. Maybe he’ll wake up one day and be covered in peach fuzz! Or maybe he’s just secretly sacrificing peaches to some fruit demon to become a more powerful ace~.”

Goshiki’s mumbling about getting his own special fruit is interrupted by Shirabu’s sneering.

“If you need a magical fruit to have enough energy you’ll never become our future ace.”

Semi narrows his eyes as he turns to face Satori. “Don’t scare the first years, Tendou.” His following lecture almost drowns out Shirabu’s: “–not why he finds it comforting, idiot!” in the background.

The other first years are still whispering about the story, regularly glancing at Ushijima, who steadily keeps redressing.

“He’s eaten THREE THOUSAND in a year and a half?” one of them squeaks eventually, eyes bulging out of their head.

Tendou seems to take this as his cue to escape Semi’s complaining.

“Okay, that last bit _might_ be a little exaggerated. But he has eaten a lot of them, even if the number does not lie in the thousands. I still can’t figure out why they’re so comforting either”, he concludes, as Ushijima closes his locker and walks to the door. He’s already biting into one of the peaches before he’s left the room.

* * *

Ushijima squints his eyes against the sun as he chews, changing the arch of his wrist so the peach juice will drop to the floor instead of running past his skin and soil his fresh uniform. He’d usually wait for Tendou before returning to the main building, but the redhead apparently forgot his homework in his room and told him to go ahead. He recalls Tendou’s last remark when he takes another bite from the fruit. He’s never understood why people keep asking him things like that. He doesn’t have a particular reason to find comfort in eating peaches. He just… does.

Truly, it doesn’t seem like the type of behaviour that deserves all this attention. After dropping the hard pit of the fruit in a nearby trash can, Ushijima uses his clean right hand to search for a handkerchief to clean his left with. He heaves a long but quiet sigh as he considers the way the conversations before and after volleyball training will go for the next few weeks. Especially now that Tendou had been made aware of the first years’ curiosity towards his peculiar eating habit. Tendou always seems thrilled whenever he learns something new about one of his friends. It almost felt like he saw Ushijima’s love for peaches as some sort of riddle that he had to unravel. This heightening of attention for the ace’s eating habits had also lead to a whole new variety of peach-centred puns that the redhead didn’t seem to get enough of. The more his jokes made Eita and Jin cringe, the more he seemed to enjoy making them. Ushijima takes an automatically left turn to walk to the building where he needs to be, his mind still on Tendou and his fruit puns. He does hope that things don’t escalate as much as they did last year. The amount of puns got nearly uncontrollable as Satori told the story over and over again to the then-first years. He doesn’t want to have to physically restrain Semi again, though he has to silently agree with Shirabu that it was entertaining to see him chasing a cackling Tendou with the sole purpose of throwing the screaming redhead out of the first floor window. Perhaps an easier way to avoid this outcome would be requesting Shirabu to not repeatedly command Tendou for more stories about that certain subject. He isn’t 100% sure his kouhai did it on purpose, but the way Kenjirou’s eyes were glinting as he watched a wound-up Semi were a bit too eager to be innocent.

Yes… Yes- asking Shirabu to help will probably be the best option. He can always pull Semi away before he becomes murderous again. And even if he didn’t; their nature is such that Semi gives Shirabu all of his attention when asked for it (mostly by yelling at him). Honestly, Ushijima is a bit surprised when he realizes he doesn’t even feel a mild form of annoyance when thinking about the jokes. He supposes that he should find them irritating, since they have the ability to distract his teammates during training. The fact that Washijou made them do 30 laps of diving drills because of the ruckus wasn’t all that great either. But the only thing coming to mind when he lets himself think about the dry jokes is the image of Satori, lying on the ground while Ushijima is using his every ability to stop Semi – and laughing so hard he’s crying, not even trying to escape anymore. The memory fills him with the same relaxing warmth that he’s become used to when talking to Tendou.

Ushijima stops, standing stock still and moving his hand to his lips, as if to explore the small smile that lingers there. Why would he smile about people breaking the rules? Even if Tendou’s his friend, he’s never outright smiled or laughed when people were disrupting practice – that’s just something that shouldn’t happen. He frowns. Really, he shouldn’t– 

His body jerks forward in surprise as a hand suddenly lands on his shoulder.

“Ushijima! What are you staring at the door for, did you forget how they work?” The broad smile on Jin’s face falters when Ushijima turns his head to stare at him, still frowning.

“Euh.. Hey man, are you okay?” Jin’s eyes flit to the fingers Ushijima is finally withdrawing from his face. “Did you hurt your mouth some way or another? You’ve been standing like that since I turned the corner.”

Ushijima’s frown grows even deeper and turns to blink at the door in front of him. He was so lost in thought that he almost didn’t notice he was standing in front of his classroom already. Jin isn’t perturbed by his lack of response, used as he is to Ushijima’s aloofness. He just gives him a pat on the back and motions with his head towards the door.

“Let’s go in. You don’t want Yamada-sensei yelling at us for being late, do you?”

Ushijima rolls his shoulders and moves to follow Jin inside, resolutely putting the subject out of his mind. As ace, his focus on his grades and his training should be absolute and unfaltering. ‘It isn’t important’, he decides, ignoring the small tingles that always seem to flood his stomach at the memories of boisterous cackles and tear-streaked cheeks. Faint laughter is still ringing in his ears as he enters the classroom behind his vice-captain.

* * *

Consistency is something that should be cherished. Well, according to Ushijima it is. While a lot of people bemoan the boring aspects in their existence and want everything to continuously be exciting, Ushijima appreciates the predictability that structured order brings. It keeps your head clear and lets you focus on the goals you want to achieve, instead of worrying about your agenda and trying to remember everything you need to do. Not that he dislikes spontaneity (he’s friends with Tendou after all), but still; he loves the ways his days are structured – the sense of calm that the stability provides.

Since the bell of his last class just rang, that means he now has 5 minutes to calmly put all his stuff away and wait for the lump of overly excited people that always get stuck in the doorway to disentangle. He nods to his teacher before leaving the classroom and takes into account the amount of time he might need to ask them a question if he didn’t get something they explained during class. He has enough time to finish his short conversation with Jin or whomever was seated next to him during that class, before he needs to turn right to walk to the dorm building where the 3rd year Shiratorizawa boys reside. Instead of going to the lake with his friends, like some of the other students, Ushijima always goes to his room straight away. The seven-minute walk gives him at least 3 minutes to put his school bag away and take out his sports bag to put it by the door – ready for the moment he’ll leave for practice. This leaves approximately 20 minutes before he has to leave and take a 10 minute walk to the gym where he’ll redress with the rest of his team before practice starts.

One might take Ushijima for a fanatic, with such a tight schedule, but those people would be mistaken. It’s not like Ushijima can’t handle changes to the way he planned his day – it’s just that the familiarity provides him with a certain sense of comfort. On most days he’d use those 20 minutes to sit and read for a little while, or clean his room. Yamagata only shows up to get his bag in the last minute before they have to leave for training. That means these 20 minutes are often the only moment he’ll be truly by himself on a school day.

Ushijima pulls the keys from the door with his little finger, doing a weird hop when he enters the room. Tendou almost had to go to the infirmary the first time he saw Ushijima enter the room like that. He was laughing so hard that he missed the bag Yamagata always drops in front of the door. It was quite hard to decipher if the crying afterwards was because of the laughter or because he almost broke his nose when he fell on his face.

He puts his bag next to his desk and disables the air freshener that he leaves on during the day. After putting his sports bag next to Yamagata’s and laying out his school books for when he returns from training, he takes his book and nestles in the cosiest of the two armchairs in the room. He’s just about to find out how the main character will conclude her tirade about George Wickham when someone knocks on the door. Ushijima shoots a quick glance at the page number, before closing his book and getting up to open the door. He’s preparing himself to lightly scold Yamagata for forgetting his keys _again_ when he opens the door to see Semi instead, who’s looking at him grumpily.

“Can you please let me in?”

Ushijima gives a small nod and steps aside, giving Yamagata’s bag a shove with his foot so Eita can come in without stumbling. He closes the door and gestures toward the armchairs, trying not to sigh as Semi plumps down in his favorite one. Ushijima takes place in the chair next to the small table, ignoring the way Semi raises an eyebrow at his book and choosing to just look at him expectantly. Semi suddenly groans and drags his hands over his face in such a slow manner that Ushijima can see the white stripes his fingers left on his cheeks.

“Thanks for letting me in, Wakatoshi. I’m sorry if I bothered you or something, but if I had to hear one more ‘son of a peach’ joke, I swear I would’ve-“

Ushijima huffs a quiet laugh at Semi’s frustration. Having been Tendou’s roommate the previous year, he knows first-hand that their friend can be quite a handful.

“It’s no problem, Semi. You know you’re always welcome.”

Semi grins at him.

“You can continue what you were doing, ‘Shijima, I don’t mind.”

Ushijima takes a second to think about his response, but Semi has already pulled his cell phone out of his own sports bag and is quickly typing a message.

He’s just found the line where he stopped reading earlier when Semi raises his voice again.

“You know… About Tendou, I was wondering about this when I came in; did he get here before me?”

Ushijima squints at him.

“I’m afraid I don’t understand? Tendou hasn’t been here since last Friday.”

“Really?”

Semi’s eyes seems to bore right through Ushijima’s skull with their sudden intensity. “It’s just.. You kinda… Your room- it smells.”

“It smells?”

“Yeah, like his shampoo.”

Ushijima gapes at him.

“I’m afraid that I don’t know what brand of shampoo Satori uses, I’ve never paid attention to it before. It might be the new air freshener, though.”

He shows the item proudly to Semi, handing it over for inspection.

Semi laughs as he holds the air freshener in front of his eyes.

“ _Again_ with your peach scented fixation? What is it with you and-”

Semi’s voice trails off, snapping his mouth shut with an audible click. He stares so long without blinking that Ushijima is starting to get worried. But right as he’s about to open his mouth and ask what is going on, Semi closes his eyes. Ushijima just stares, waiting for an explanation. When he receives none, he tries to pick up the conversation where it left off – answering Semi’s question about his air freshener.

“I’m don’t believe I have a fixation. I’m just quite partial to the smell, it’s soothing.”

Semi cracks one eye open and squints up at him. His lips twitch and he seems to be on the brink of hysterical laughter. Ushijima has only seen him make this expression once before – when he didn’t sleep for two days while studying because he misread the date of a test, only to hear later that the test had been cancelled.

“You’re _kidding_ right? Tell me you’re kidding.”

Ushijima doesn’t get what’s happening at all. Why does everyone have a problem with peaches these days? He decides to just shake his head.

“I can’t believe I didn’t get it. All that stupid fruit. He’d better never get wind of this. The peach jokes will _never_ stop.”

Ushijima’s thoughts seem to bounce at top speed in his head, driving Semi’s muttering to the background. Semi has to be talking about Tendou, but why does it matter what his shampoo smells like? It’s not like Wakatoshi matched the scents on purpose, it’s just a weird coincidence.

“I just don’t see why it matters?”

Semi stops muttering and looks at him consideringly.

He hands back the air freshener before continuing: “I’ve never seen you eat that much fruit in our first year, you know. It only seems to have started about a year ago. How can the smell of a fruit suddenly become that comforting when it wasn’t before? Are you sure you didn’t just… Recognize it from somewhere else?”

Ushijima moves out of his chair, planning to get a glass of water while thinking about the things Semi is insinuating. Now that he thinks about it, Tendou _does_ always smell quite nice. Ignoring the scent of sweat after practice and the deodorant he uses, there’s always been another scent clinging to him. Something sweet. Sweet and soothing.

Ushijima puts the now empty glass down and turns sideways so he can glance at Semi without having to look at him directly.

“There are lots of things that are peach scented. Satori’s shampoo isn’t the only thing in the world that smells like peaches.”

“Ah, yes, I’m sure about that.” Semi’s drawl echoes softly against the walls, the ticking of the little clock on the table the only other sound filling the room. “I’m sure you can give me some other example then? Right, Wakatoshi?”

Ushijima stands stock still, his mind racing a mile a minute. He has the feeling he’s taking part in some kind of test, the little clock next to him showing the few seconds he has left to come up with an answer. It’s a test he’s about to fail.

“Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.”

He can’t come up with anything. The only thing filling his mind while he thinks of the smell of peaches is loud laughter and red hair – and the fruit itself, of course. Ushijima stretches his hand towards the fruit basket on the table – eating something will give him more time to think, without having to focus on the awkward silence. He doesn’t know what to do with the information he’s been given.

Wakatoshi blindly takes a piece of fruit out of the bowl and brings it to his face. Really. Maybe he should buy something different than peaches once in a while. His hesitation only lasts for a second, but Semi has seen it. He takes a bite, using every excuse to look away from Semi’s victorious expression.

“You know... The first step of handling an addiction is accepting the fact that you _have_ an addiction, Wakatoshi.”

The mirth in Semi’s voice stings a little, and Ushijima feels his stubbornness return at its challenge.

“I’m not addicted to any piece of fruit, Semi.”

Semi snorts, but his answer is interrupted when the door bursts open and an excited Yamagata appears. He storms inside, unimpressed by the way his friends stare at him. After throwing his backpack on his bed, he turns around and speeds towards the entrance of the room. He stops at the front door to sling his sports bag over his right shoulder and turns to his silent teammates. He blinks.

“Aren’t you guys coming too? I understand that you’re hungry after class, Ushijima, but I don’t think Washijou or Saitou really care about the reason you’re late.”

Ushijima moves a second slower than Semi, still having to take his bag from where he’d dropped it next to the door. He feels Semi pass him in the doorway, where he pauses for a second, only to mutter: “You know perfectly well that I wasn’t talking about fruit.”

Ushijima slowly rights himself and searches for his keys. Taking another bite from the peach, he follows his friends – all the while wondering if reading at the lake with the other students would have been a better decision after all.

* * *

Training was hell that day. Ushijima has never felt so disoriented while playing volleyball. It’s like Tendou is everywhere he looks. No… That’s not correct. It’s more like Ushijima’s senses had an unanimous agreement to betray the body they were supposed to be working for, and fixate on Tendou’s instead.

Ushijima tries his hardest not to look. He really does. But even if he can’t see Tendou directly, he can still hear his humming, feel his movements behind him... Tendou almost ran into him during one of the earlier exercises. They didn’t even touch each other, but still Ushijima’s body decided that was the perfect moment to overreact – goose bumps prickling all along his arms in reaction to the small gust of wind to his neck. He’s more aware of the way his friend’s body moves than he’s ever been before and it doesn’t make any sense at all. Not really.

When Ushijima turns around after his stretches and notices that Tendou’s nose is only a few centimetres apart from his own, it takes everything he has not to squeak. He’s had enough after that – the rest of the training is spent practicing with Semi instead of Shirabu, in a desperate attempt to be as far from Tendou as he can. He expected some sort of reaction, but his friend just narrowed his eyes a bit and remained silent. Concentrating on volleyball has never been this hard. It pulls at him – his head automatically trying to turn, where he’s never had that happen before. The longer training goes on, the more frustrated Ushijima gets. Even from the other side of the court he can still hear the way Tendou shouts and laughs.

It all feels wrong, somehow. This isn’t how it should be. He never thinks during practice, or at least not about anything non-volleyball related.

The pep talks during training are the worst. Satori automatically comes to stand next to him and Ushijima can’t find it in himself to push him away. It’s not like anything’s happened after all. So now all he can do is try not to breath in the peach scent that originates from someplace behind his shoulder.

Stupid Semi! Stupid Semi with his stupid comments. This _had_ to be his fault. Ushijima feels the childish need to stomp with his feet. He’d never been conscious about the smell of someone’s hair until the fact was pushed in his face. What does it even matter. He bets lots of people know how the hair of their friends smell. It’s probably nothing important. Something he’ll laugh about in a couple weeks, when he– Ushijima’s thought process is rudely interrupted when a sharp chin comes to rest on his left shoulder. He stiffens, his whole body feeling like he rolled in the snow only to feel like he’s burning up two seconds later. The only other thing he notices than the sudden rise in temperature is the way his nails are stinging in his palms with the way he’s clenching his fists. He tightens his hands even more, trying to erase all other sensations he’s feeling at the moment. His only focus should be on what the coach is currently saying. Not the too-warm bodies all around them. Not the chin on his shoulder, or the way the smell of peaches seems to get stronger by the second. Focus on volleyball. Volleyball. Volleyball. Volley-

“Are you okay, senpai?”

Ushijima blinks, the rest of his team already moving away, preparing for the last part of practice. He just nods, not even looking at Shirabu, before he turns and starts to walk towards Semi.

A grip on his wrist stops him. Shirabu is staring straight at him, eyes as calculating as ever.

“We’re supposed to switch players. You’re with our group now.”

He simply nods again, walking next to Shirabu as they leave for the net closest to them. He’s never been happier that his kouhai isn’t that talkative.

The rest of practice passes in a blur. Ushijima rushes out of the dressing room as quickly as he can, mumbling that he doesn’t feel that good to a concerned Tendou, who quickly waves him to the door and orders him to sleep. He pushes past any guilt he might feel – not that he feels much over the white lie anyway. It isn’t even really a lie, Ushijima tells himself, just- a little logical ruse. He _does_ feel weirdly off after all.

It’s only when he’s lying in his bed, waiting for Yamagata to return to their room, that he has time to think things over. It must just be the shock – he concludes, staring at the little spider web in the left corner of the ceiling. Just the surprise of knowing where his positive peach-connection comes from. Everyone would be shaken by hearing something like that. And it isn’t _that_ weird, is it? Of course he’d like the scent? Tendou is his best friend after all. It’ll be better tomorrow. Since he has the time to think about it now, the surprise will have worn off and everything will be back as it was.

Ushijima’s breathing slows, calmed down by his conclusion. It was just the surprise. Nothing more. Everything will be fine tomorrow.

* * *

Everything was _not_ fine. It’s been only three days, but Ushijima’s more confused than ever before. He’s always liked walking next to Tendou, being at his side, but it also didn’t bother him whenever he was alone. Now though – it feels like there’s a string that connects them at their core. Whenever Tendou’s too far away, it feels like something will snap. Like the invisible cord will break and strike him as it recoils. His need to be close to someone else has never been this strong. And Ushijima might be stubborn, but he isn’t stupid. He knows what people will tell him if he describes everything he’s feeling. He even understands why they would tell him that, but still… It doesn’t really makes sense. After all, if he were… If he thought… That. He would _know_ , wouldn’t he?

Tendou is his best friend. People don’t think things… Feel things… _more_ than friendship without noticing, do they? That must mean something’s wrong. There must be a fault somewhere. He should look at this rationally.

The rest of Thursday morning is spent trying to analyse his behaviour and everything he’s been experiencing, and comparing it to the way he felt before. The way he feels at home whenever Tendou is around and can’t be bothered by the volume at which his friend talks, even though he’d dislike it if it were anyone else. The way he doesn’t mind all the physical contact, and how the hugs he receives make him feel warm and dizzy. The way Tendou’s laugh makes him want to laugh too – feeling floaty and almost _giggly_. The way he sometimes feels like he’ll stumble when the redhead’s too close, or not being able to concentrate on anything other than what his friend is telling him; intoxicated by his voice and the singing cadence of his words.

Hmm. Maybe he did overlook a few things…

Even though the evidence of his thoughts are staring him right in the face, Ushijima doesn’t want to lose all hope of normalcy. He doesn’t want any of this, he just wants… No complications. Desperate for some last way he can convince himself this means nothing, he plans a way to test himself. After all, people who… feel things like that shouldn’t enjoy things as much when their… person isn’t there, right? He’s heard Semi whine about that more than enough. This is the only way he can prove to himself that this isn’t that serious. But if his tests fail…

But they _won’t_. No matter what the voice of reason inside his own head says – Ushijima has never not been able to enjoy being alone. Even with the recent developments, this will still be the same as ever. Especially since he isn’t totally… He doesn’t think… Ushijima isn’t really…

He just isn’t.

* * *

Ushijima’s plan to test out certain activities starts that evening. He’ll do the two things Tendou and him always do together. He’ll enjoy them just the same as always and he’ll have crushed most of his fears in the process.

Wakatoshi feels strangely numb as he leans back on his bed, shifting his laptop a bit so he’ll see the screen better. The sound of baby sloths drifts from the speakers as he tries to focus on the subject of the nature documentary.

Only 56 minutes have passed, but he has already switched to two other documentaries and is starting to get restless. He’s had to rewind 3 times now, failing to understand what the host was summarizing about dwarf tomatoes. He’s never failed to listen when someone was talking about this subject before. The only thing he can think of is the way Tendou would comment on the sloths and impersonate them, or trying to distinguish which kind of tomato red looked most like his hair. In the end he just closes the tab altogether, not feeling like watching it any further.

In a fit of inspiration, he tries to watch the series Tendou wanted to show him for a while. After two episodes of watching an angrily exploding dandelion-looking kid shout at some other kid with broccoli-like hair, he decides to give up. It’s not that he didn’t enjoy the show – it was funnier than he expected, but it still didn’t really feel the same as usual.

Even the half hour of reading he normally does before bed doesn’t feel as relaxing as it normally does. In the end he just closes his book and goes to sleep.

* * *

Ushijima takes a deep breath as he looks up. Everywhere around him are trees, the light filtering between the leaves as they rustle in the wind. The walk through the woods next to campus calmed him more than trying to watch the documentary series. He walks further until he sees the small bushes that mark where he’ll leave the path. Taking another right turn, he ducks under a few slanting trees and enters his favorite place in the prefecture. They found it when Tendou ran away from the path once, in their first year, sure that he’d seen some kind of bird he wanted to draw. The little field is filled with grass and, during some months, the edge of the field is filled with multi-coloured flowers – just like when they stumbled upon the clearing the first time.

Ushijima shuffles forward and goes to lay in the small clearing, created by the low hanging branches of the weeping willow that grows there. He tries to concentrate on the light filtering through the leaves, but closes his eyes after only a few minutes and focuses on the sound of the wind instead. He’s lucky that his English teacher didn’t feel great that day. Not that he wishes his sensei ill, it’s just that he has a free hour next and can use the two hours before lunch to relax and enjoy the silence. Something rustles at a point to his right. Looking up, he sees a small brown bird with a yellow patch on its head hopping around. He smiles and turns his head left, ready to tell Tendou about the bird and its nesting habits. He feels his smile falter and disappear as he watches the sunlight reflect on the piece of grass where usually a freckled boy would lay, humming with his eyes closed. This has been the fourth time that he’s turned to tell Tendou something in the 20 minutes since he’s entered the forest. It makes him wonder why people think him to be taciturn. Instead of talking he just silently watches the little bird as it hops around, until it spreads its wings and flies up again. He watches the bird until he can’t see anything but the sky anymore. Laying back down again, he wracks his brain – trying to analyse the woods and tranquillity he’d normally find here. It feels better than watching the TV show did, but still – he feels… empty.

Wakatoshi closes his eyes again, focused on relaxing as much as he can, even though it doesn’t feel as peaceful as he normally does. He feels his muscles relax as he imagines Tendou lying next to him, a bit to his left, just like always. He’d probably be drawing or humming some new song he recently heard. Sometimes he just rests next to Ushijima, not doing anything – and they just lie there, silent. It’s not that hard to imagining him being there, resting next to him, listening to the wind. Ushijima shifts as he hears a twig snap, a couple of metres away. He pinches his leg, trying not to fall asleep but unwilling to open his eyes. If he opens them again, Tendou will be gone in less than a second. It’s so easy to forget he’s not really there – easy to think he’ll smile whenever Ushijima opens his eyes and turns his head. He can almost hear him laugh in his head – sniggering softly, only to open his mouth and say the same thing he always says when they lay there.

“You kinda look like a Disney prince, you know?”

Ushijima’s eyes fly open. He stares right into a face that’s hanging upside-down. Tendou’s hair droops a bit, gravity trying it’s hardest to win the battle against a ridiculous amount of hair gel.

“Tendou”, he simply says.

Tendou plops down behind him, legs spread, so Ushijima’s head is laying between freckled thighs, hidden behind purple trousers. Ushijima says nothing, staring at the still upside-down face of his friend.

“~Are you not going to ask how I found you, Wakatoshi-kun~?”

Tendou yawns and stretches, leaning back – his face disappearing from Ushijima’s view.

“How did you find me?”

Tendou shifts a bit, still leaning backwards.

“It wasn’t that heard you know. I knew you had Yamada before us, so you’d have two hours off. And you always come here when you have time to spare – ~which is never, by the way~”

Ushijima shifts his gaze, trying to determine if the name of the cloud he’s gazing at is altocumulus or altostratus. He’s learned that it’s easier to be this close to Tendou by not focusing on him with all his senses – the way he did before.

“~We shouldn’t stay here for too long, though, we don’t want to be back late for lunch.~”

Ushijima keeps gazing at the clouds, still doubting what their scientific name is. He misses Tendou’s explanation, only noticing he’s asked something when Tendou’s head appears in his vision again. He can see the freckles on his eyelids when they’re this close. He wants to ask Tendou to repeat what he’s just said, but a sudden tickling in his throat forces him to keep his mouth shut and concentrate on not coughing right in Tendou’s face.

As he focuses on Tendou’s face again, he sees that the other is still gazing at him expectedly. Ushijima nods, signalling to Tendou that he can continue his story, still not trusting himself to not cough if he’d try to speak.

It appears he made some sort of mistake, though, as Tendou’s expression morphs into one of utter excitement.

“REALLY?! ~That’s so great! I can’t believe you agreed so quickly, Wakatoshi-kuuun? It normally takes far more effort to convince you~”

Ushijima just stares at the way his friend is rocking left to right from happiness, not knowing what to say or how to rectify the situation. He still has no idea what Tendou’s talking about.

“~I can’t wait to tell the others!~”

Ushijima shifts his eyes again, overwhelmed by Tendou’s happiness. He supposes it’s best that Tendou only ever laughs at him like this. His whole ‘scary façade’ would never work on other teams if they’d seen him smile like this even once.

“Do you know which one you’ll choose?”

Before Ushijima can decide to finally confess he has no idea what they’re talking about, Tendou continues: “which song, I mean?”.

“Which… song..?”

“~Yes! You can’t come with to a karaoke bar and then sing _nothing,_ ya doofus?!~”

Ushijima hides his face behind his hands as he tunes out Tendou’s excited babbling.

‘ _Oh. Oh no_.’

* * *

Saturday morning training is exhausting.

Everyone has a deceptive air of calmness around them, except for Ushijima and Shirabu, who openly dislike singing and are dreading the evening to come. Coach Washijou may not know about their evening plans, but he still watches them with suspicion clear in his eyes. He quickly seems to decide that he doesn’t care why they’re quiet and uses their tranquillity to work them harder than ever.

They ARE legitimately calm afterward; too tired to move except to drag themselves to the club room, plopping down on the bench as soon as possible and starting to redress with the speed of elderly turtles.

“~Help me Semisemiiii~”

Wakatoshi sleepily leaned his head back against the wall while he watched Tendou try to convince Semi to help redress him.

“Stop whining and dress yourself, Tendou. Do I look like a maid to you?”

“Well no~ But I’m sure Kenjirou would _love_ it if you- aaah! No! Nonono – not my fingers! Stop your demon, Semi – I’m sorry!”

“You should think before you speak sometimes.”

“You should only ask people that if you really want them to undress you”, Shirabu chimes in.

Tendou pouts, unconvinced.

“You’ll help me, right, Wakatoshi-kun~?”

Ushijima freezes at the question, not expecting it in the slightest. It’s like the air in the room has dried up and vanished, and he has to force himself not to lick his sudden dry lips. His mind immediately conjures an image of himself helping Tendou out of his sweaty T-shirt, for half a second, before he drops himself back into the present – shaking his head to clear his mind from the way his dream-fingers had lingered over freckled skin. God, this is getting worse and worse.

He’s lucky the others seem to take him shaking his head as his answer.

“~But Toshiiiii-“

“I think Shirabu explained it well enough, Satori.”

“~Impassive as ever.”

Satori is still pouting. “It’s just clothes, no need to make such a big deal out of it~”

“Stop whining and dress, Tendou! If you take any longer I’ll make you close up the room.”

“~But I’m too tired! I’ll _die_ Semi, do you want that on your conscience~?”

Semi’s “yes” Is heard at the same time as Shirabu’s “then perish”.

Ushijima stands and finishes pulling on his sweater while ignoring the shrieking match that starts behind him when the keys of the club room collide with Tendou’s head.

This is going to be a long day.

* * *

“We’ll be late if we don’t leave soon.”

“I’m sorry!”

Ushijima can’t see Yamagata from where he’s waiting at the door, but he still cringes when he hears things fall in the bathroom.

“I’ll be out in a second! I just need to find my phone.”

“You left it on your bed.”

“Ah! Great! Thanks Wakatoshi!”

Hayato’s muttering moves to the bedroom. “And I was so sure that I’d searched here before I- Ah! Got it!”

Ushijima goes to stand outside, waiting with his keys in hand until Yamagata is ready. Once his friend has joined him outside he closes the door and they’re on their way.

The 18 minutes it takes to walk to the little karaoke bar next to campus are far too short. They’d encountered Reon and Kawanishi on their way there and decided to all walk towards their doom together. Or, that’s how Ushijima sees it, at least. The others appear far less gloomy about the whole thing. No matter how nice Ushijima found his teammates, there will never be a day that he’d truly look forward to having to sing while people stare at him.

They’re the last ones to arrive, which is a weird feeling in itself, since Ushijima prefers always being early instead of just on time. The overly excited way Tendou waves at them makes him feel a bit lighter, though – not that he lets it show on his face.

He catches Kenjirou’s gaze. The second year looks about as tired as Tendou is excited and gives Ushijima a little nod – having found a partner in his suffering.

They all enter together. For a second it seems like they’ve gone back in time, engulfed by the retro theme that shapes the bar’s interior. Even the microphone and stage seem like they came straight out of an Elvis video.

It’s only 21h30, but two of the six tables are already surrounded by little groups of chattering people. The bar isn’t split, sadly enough, so you have to wait your turn if you want to sing. Ushijima waits until Semi slides further down the bench before he goes to sit next to him. He lets his eyes get used to the purple and pink neon lights while Tendou drags Goshiki with him to go get some bundles with song-options. Jin leaves too, picking up a menu from the table on their left, so they can all choose what to drink. Semi’s peering at the ‘drinks’ section of the menu that was left on their table already.

“They even have your favorite, you know.” A slender finger taps on the second option out of the list of liquors Ushijima is currently blinking at. He knows that Semi’s taunting him, but the peach flavoured liquor does sound quite appealing at the moment. He waits until most of his teammates have chosen a drink before taking the menu himself. He tries to look very busy when he hears Tendou return, happily discussing song options with Goshiki and Kawanishi. He’s been looking at the liquor options for about 4 minutes when Tendou suddenly says “Look, Wakatoshi-kun~ they even have Disney classics like the Circle of Life! You could totally–“

“I think _not_.” 

The contrast between Kenjirou’s almost proud expression and Tendou’s crestfallen one would be funny if he wasn’t so sure that his redheaded friend truly would try to make him sing such a song. He’s relieved to note that he’s not fallen _that_ far that he’s singing Disney songs in public. Yet.

He’d never have agreed to accompany them if he didn’t know how effective this was as a bonding experience for the team. The last three times they did this had been a huge success, with more and more team members joining the outing.

Jin returns with the drinks, excusing himself to Wakatoshi when he notices that he’s forgotten to take his order before heading to the bar. Ushijima waves him off and stands to go get his drink himself. A shot might be just what he needs if he doesn’t want to die of shame in a couple of minutes. He decides for an alcohol free drink in the end – asking for it to be poured into a cocktail glass to try and conceal the fact that it’s peach flavoured, in a weak attempt to bypass Semi’s pointed looks.

They have to wait for seven songs before it’s their turn. Ushijima goes to collect a second drink while he watches Tendou dance toward the stage where the mic stands. The bartender just looks at him as Ushijima repeats his request for it to be poured into a cocktail glass and turns to take the bottle, apparently too intimidated or uncaring to ask too many questions. Ushijima just stands there, patiently waiting and trying to ignore the antics of the table right behind him.

The girls who’ve been sitting there have obviously been at the bar for a while. They’re swaying in their seats and their sniggering get louder by the second. He gave them a stern look when he walked by, not appreciating the fact that they were shouting at some of the previous singers. He’s just thinking about the fact that he hopes they’ll leave before it’s his turn, when the words of one of the girls gets his attention.

“You’ll have to suggest someone hotter, hun’, I have way better taste than that.” Her words are slurring a little, obviously already affected by the alcohol they’re drinking.

“What?! Noooo, that guy deserves so much more than a 6,5 – he’s a seven at least, maybe a 7,5.”

“What about,” one giggles, “ _that_ one?”

“Oh my god, NO! Are you blind?! My standards aren’t that low?”

“Can we give minus points?”, chuckles another.

“I mean,” the first girl hiccups, “just look at that guy. Where did he crawl out off? They shouldn’t let people like that in here.”

“He probably can’t sing for shit. Look at that hair!” The giggles intensify.

“I think his hair’s cool enough.”

“Yes, if your blind!”, the first girl chimes in again.

“His hair? Look at his _face_?! What a creep.”

Ushijima’s frown deepens. His strong distaste for bullies has only intensified by the stories of some of his friends. He must look quite menacing, because the bartender flinches when he catches his gaze. He’s just stretched out his arm to accept the glass when the next comments makes his blood turn to ice.

“Just look at the way he’s wiggling – he’s way too excited, what the fuck? I can’t believe they gave him the microphone, he’ll probably just screech instead of sing.”

“It’s so creepyyy! Imagine having him in your family?”

“Imagine him being your brother?!”

“What the fuck, no?! I don’t want to look like some redheaded monster.”

The derisive laughter of the group behind him fades out into a high ringing noise. It’s not hard to figure out who they’re talking about. He knows that Tendou believes strongly in a quote he heard in one of his beloved TV-shows, about “wearing what you are like armor so people can’t use it to hurt you”, or something of the sort – but he still hopes with his whole being that the redhead can’t catch anything the girls are saying from his place at the mic. Ushijima finally grabs the glass the bartender was holding out to him, slamming his payment on the edge of the counter and stepping to the side to walk back to his seat.

As he turns he directs the full power of his scowl at the girls who are shit-talking his friend. He’s sure that even Oikawa’s gaze towards him has never been filled with as much animosity as Wakatoshi’s glare at this moment. They are so shocked about his anger that they just gape at him, not daring to move until he’s passed their table.

He hears them mutter angrily behind him. “What’s with _that_ guy?”

“Look, look! The demon child is about to sing!”

Ushijima breathes deeply in and out. He knows physical or verbal violence are never a good option, but sometimes he wishes he could just–

He’s glad most of his teammates are looking at the way Tendou’s adjusting the height of the mic, instead of interrogating him about his sudden mood swing. Goshiki opens his mouth when Ushijima sits down at their table, but wisely shuts up when he sees the annoyance in his senpai’s usually impassive face. His round face is red and his eyes are somewhat unfocused. Ushijima decides to lecture to others tomorrow about letting the first-year taste their drinks instead of making sure that he kept to his own soda. He nods to himself after making this decision and lets his thoughts drift to the rude girls again.

He’ll never understand why people like to talk so negatively about others. It doesn’t even make sense. Even if he were ugly – which he isn’t – why in the world would that mean that he can’t sing either. Everyone on their team knows that Tendou is a great singer. They were surprised at the beginning, seeing that Tendou has the habit of cackling and shrieking loudly most of the time, but they’ve learned that he can make his voice turn clear and smooth if he so desires. The only reason they know this is because Tendou has the tendency to try and sooth his nerves by singing and sometimes dancing before all of their matches. Semi tried to stop him at first, but after Tendou looked like he was going to have a mental breakdown they just let him do as he pleases.

Ushijima narrows his eyes. He hopes they choke on their wine when Tendou starts to sing. Or that there’s at least three hairs in their soup tomorrow. Or that all the milk in their fridge turns sour. Or that-

His thought process on all the horrible things the people of the other table deserve disappears when the first notes of Tendou’s chosen song start to fill the room. He recognizes the rhythm – it’s one of the songs Tendou’s been humming on and off for the last few weeks. Satori winks at their table, slowly swaying his body to the music where he stands in front of the microphone. Then he closes his eyes and sings.

Ushijima feels strangely vindictive as a hush takes over the room. Even the first table seems to have shut up – transfixed by the way Satori’s clear voice is washing over them. Their expression has changed to one off neutral attentiveness and he can’t understand why they didn’t look like that from the beginning. The way so many people judge Satori has started to bother him more and more over the years they’ve known each other.

_“~Every weekend with your friends_  
_Every weekday when it ends_  
_Damn it's all good, I guess~”_

Semi clicks his tongue as Tendou launches into the refrain, distracting Ushijima from trying to translate the lyrics.

“How can he sing like that and be so shitty at languages at the same time.”

It doesn’t really sound like a question. Ushijima tries to defend his friend nonetheless.

“Tendou has some affinity for Korean.”

Semi looks at him from the corner of his eyes. Ushijima, thinking that his friend is still doubting his claims, tries to elaborate.

“And he hasn’t failed any of his English tests this semester.” He omits mentioning that Satori only narrowly escapes failing his tests each time, but the look in Semi’s eyes hints at the fact that his silver-haired friend is all too aware of this.

Semi purses his lips a little, squaring his shoulders in an attempt to sit still and not openly sigh at Ushijima’s defensiveness.

“It wasn’t meant as an attack. You know very well that he only speaks Korean because half of his family lives there and they’ve been traveling there since he was born. And he can only seem to speak English when he’s singing. But I must admit that his pronunciation isn’t bad.”

“Then again. Does it matter how he learned to speak Korean? The fact still is that he _can_ ”, Shirabu said, seamlessly entering into the conversation. “I don’t think it has much to do with singing in itself.”

Ushijima looks on as the setter pokes Goshiki’s forehead, which is resting in the crook of his arm. “Don’t fall asleep here, idiot!” He then continues like he never stopped talking.

“It’s just that he sings the same songs for a couple weeks straight, so it’s only natural that he’s able to pronounce it better after a while.”

Goshiki lifts his head and blearily blinks. “I’m awake, though, senpai”, is all he says before promptly dropping his head on his arms again.

“Ah, it lives.”

Ushijima turns his head as Semi elbows Shirabu in the ribs.

“Stop being a shit, Kenjirou.”

Both Ushijima and Semi ignore Shirabu’s half-pout as they turn to watch Tendou again.

He’s glowing.

No, really – he shines in the lights of the stage, dancing slightly on the music. Tendou’s left hand is closed around the mic while his right hand gestures as he sings. His eyes are closed.

Ushijima wonders how many people in this club are fooled by the relaxed way the redhead moves his body – seemingly entirely at ease. The people at their table know that’s only possible when he closes himself off from the strangers who are watching. Or when he’s surrounded by their team. It’s a shame, though – his eyes would be beautiful with the way the light frames his face.

Tendou must’ve heard his thoughts somehow and his eyes sparkle when he opens them to send another mirthful gaze towards their table.

_“Dancing with the demons, oh_  
_Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit - Grips you like a pistol_  
_Wet the whistle, wet the whistle – Abyss of ice crystal”_

The light appears to turn his hair even brighter, setting him ablaze and illuminating his face in such a way that onlookers might worry his head is on fire. Ushijima just thinks he’s radiant. Even after all the realizations he’s been through this week, that last thought still hits him like a sucker punch.

He shakes his head a little, wanting to clear his mind from the warm fuzziness that is starting to plague him more and more these recent days.

Tendou’s eyes are closed again as he heads into the second refrain.

_“This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks_  
_This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks_  
_Searching for a new high, high as the sun, uncomfortably numb_  
_This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks”_

Japanese seems far easier to sing, in Ushijima’s humble opinion. He must admit that he likes the way Tendou’s voice changes when he speaks in another language. And the fact he’s singing about the sun – or something of the sort. It fits his image: a warm source of light and life, someone everyone wants to turn to and follow, and is greatly missed the moment they leave your side.

Semi clicks his tongue as he watches Tendou sing. He clicks his tongue again as he seems to come to some sort of conclusion. Ushijima is strongly reminded of the loud ticking of his grandmother’s favorite clock.

“It suits him, though – the song, I mean.”

Ushijima nods, only understanding about half of the words his friend is singing. The thoughts he’s been having can’t be that unusual, if Semi is thinking the same things he is.

“Yes. Tendou is a lot like the sun.”

Shirabu snorts as Semi nods sagely.

“He can be… Too bright to look at sometimes.”

“That’s one way of putting it.”

“Would I go blind if I looked at him for too long?”

Shirabu’s cackle and Semi’s dumbfounded face must mean that his mumbling wasn’t as quiet as he thought it to be. Ushijima chooses to ignore them as he continues to ponder his question. The most logical thing would be to not ever look at Tendou again and remain a seeing individual – but the thought hurts him more than he expects. Would he be able to turn away, even with such dire consequences…?

Another glance at his neighbour's face has him confused. Semi is still staring at him, ignoring Shirabu’s sniggering. Ushijima is starting to wonder if he made some sort of mistake.

“I told you, didn’t I?”

This seems to finally get Semi out of his stupor. He closes his half-opened mouth and blinks rapidly. When his thoughts settle, he fixes Ushijima with an unreadable expression before stating: “Kenjirou was right. You guys _ARE_ like a married couple”. His comment was loud enough to have raised Reon’s attention, who shuffles past a dozing Goshiki to listen to the conversation.

Ushijima blinks at their expectant faces.

“Gay marriage isn't legal in Japan, Semi.”

Reon pats his back with something akin to pity on his face.

“I'm afraid you're missing the point here, Wakatoshi.”

“Why would I marry Tendou..?” Ushijima speaks slowly, trying to understand why everyone is staring at him like he just asked what a spike is. Before he can say anything else he's interrupted by a bleary Goshiki who lifts his face from his arms while making a confused noise.

“Wait.. So you guys aren't together?”

Wakatoshi knows he isn't the best with social cues, but there isn’t really a way to misinterpret Goshiki's question.

Yamagata appears next to the first-year and pats his shoulder.

“Don’t worry about it Tsutomu. This is a topic you should remain blissfully unaware of, unless you want to help convince our oblivious captain to ask a certain middle blocker on a date.”

The turn in the conversation makes Ushijima’s antsy feelings increase until he starts bouncing his left knee underneath the table – his nervous tick getting the best of him. He wants the conversation to be over, to focus on another subject, but at the same time he’s feeling annoyed that he doesn’t understand the intentions of his friends.

“Why would you guys convince me to date Tendou?”

“It’s a horrible decision, really”, drawls Shirabu.

Semi quirks his left eyebrow. “You were the one who told me to confront him with the peach-thing, Kenjirou.” He pointedly ignores the betrayed glare he gets in return and moves to look at Ushijima again. All the boys at the table are now talking through each other – their voices forming a cloud of noise that gets quickly overwhelming. The only silent one is Goshiki, who is just watching them with an occasional yawn.

Ushijima considers himself a patient man, but even his stoicism has it limits. He’s getting more and more uncomfortable with the direction the conversation has taken. The tension of all their voices makes him bounce his leg even faster and he just wants them to shut up, to be done with this.

“I politely request that you all stay out of it.”

He goes on when he sees Semi open his mouth. “I mean it. You all mean well, but I don’t want anyone to meddle.”

They must see something in his eyes, because all of them nod quickly – even though Yamagata’s nod seems a bit reluctant.

The sound of clapping makes him turn away from the table to see an exuberant Tendou bouncing in their direction. There’s already another singer in front of the microphone, waiting for their song to start playing.

The others suddenly seem very interested in talking to the few people who are seated at the other end of the table and slide further to the right, talking quietly to each other.

Tendou carefully takes place in front of Ushijima, trying not to bother Goshiki too much while at the same time trying to cool himself by fanning his face with his hand.

“ _And_? What did you think?”

Ushijima smiles a little, amused by Tendou’s eager hopefulness.

“You did well. I did not understand the meaning of the song, though.”

As expected, his comment gives Tendou the opportunity to launch into an in depth conversation about the song he’s sung and all the different meanings he’s read about. Ushijima is relaxing more and more as he just listens and takes in Tendou’s excitement, watching the way his hands flutter through the air as he talks.

“What do you think, is there a theory you like more~?”

“Uh…”

“~Yes. I thought you’d say that~.”

Tendou’s laughter fills the air. He’s still flushed from his performance, his eyes glittering in the half dark. He leans forward a bit, leaning on his elbow.

“Are you drunk already, Wakatoshi~kun? Your pupils are huge~”

The question takes Ushijima completely off guard. His mind betrays him by only providing explanations about the way people’s pupils dilate when they see something they’re attracted to. The fact that he can’t denounce this thought right away confuses him even more. Maybe his teammates do have a point after all.

Tendou cocks his head, still waiting for an answer.

“Yes. I guess the drinks have taken a stronger effect than I assumed they would.”

Shirabu’s exasperated huff takes him by surprise, not having realised that his kouhai had switched his attention to their conversation again. He seems to know full well that Ushijima has only drunk normal peach juice since the moment they entered the club. Tendou looks curiously at Shirabu, but the setter keeps quiet, tapping a nail against his glass as Tendou starts a conversation with Eita instead.

That short moment of having Tendou’s attention turned away from him becomes Wakatoshi’s undoing. It’s like the smile that’s blooming on Tendou’s face unlocks the thoughts inside that have been fighting to escape for ages.

He’s engulfed by clarity and the powerful feeling that this is something he’ll never have. This person isn’t someone meant for him – he’s too bright. Too everything. He’d burn away, turn to dust if he were to be tied down to Ushijima. There’s a feeling of intense loss when you realize you can’t have what you’ve desired for a long time. It’s like losing a dream you didn’t know you had. The fact that Ushijima wasn’t aware of his own wishes before this week – no, before this day – doesn’t diminage the wave of negative emotions in the slightest.

“I have to leave.”

He’s glad that most of his peers don’t hear his comment, still talking to each other at the other end of the table. Tendou and Semi shoot him a confused glance, while Shirabu’s gaze remains fixed on his glass.

It’s too much. He just wants to get out of there – to escape the negativity that seems to hug tighter and tighter around his body the longer he thinks. He needs air and solitude. He just wants to go.

Tendou’s disappointment is palpable.

“But it’s still so early? And you didn’t get to sing?”

“It’ll be for next time, I’m afraid. I’m just… I’m…”

“You should go straight to bed, Ushijima-san. Too much alcohol can have nasty effects on people who aren’t used to drinking.”

Ushijima nods to Shirabu, thankful for the excuse he’s been given. The younger one is looking as though he’s trying to convey some sort of message, but Wakatoshi’s too out of it to pay him much mind.

“Yes, yes. I’ll go back. I don’t feel too well.”

“Do you want me to-?“

“No, it’s alright Tendou, you should stay. I’ll find my way back on my own.”

He feels dizzy as he gets up and grabs his coat. Semi pats his arm and gives an understanding nod.

“Just go, we’ll explain to the others.”

The fact that Ushijima just turns and walks away seems to put down the facts for Tendou, not ever having seen Ushijima behave this rudely by leaving without saying something to the people gathered.

“He must really feel out of it. He looks like that clip I send you yesterday – the one with the derpy bird who forgot how to fly.”

“I don’t think you realize how true that is, Tendou-san.”

* * *

The walk back to the dorms did clear his mind a bit. It helped; being able to focus on the cool wind on his face and the sound of rustling leaves.

The cold clear air outside might have been a bit too much, in combination with his flushed cheeks and the hurried way he took in his breaths – causing him to have a coughing fit right after leaving the bar. Even after reaching his dorm he still has to cough every few minutes, though it seems to have slowed down immensely.

The comfort of nature disappears when Ushijima enters his dorm building. He doesn’t have the luxuries of staring at the trees and distracting himself when he’s just lying in bed. No matter how soft his mattress feels – it doesn’t give him an escape from the thoughts he’s trying to evade. He really _does_ feel like shit now, his throat tight and uncomfortable – though he can’t conclude if that’s because of his thought process or the coughing fit earlier. In the end he decides to halve the distance of his morning jog for the next day, in an attempt to avoid catching some sort of illness. He gets out of bed one last time to take some cough syrup, just in case. Even if he doesn’t catch a cold, he still hopes it might help against the scratchiness in his throat.

He checks his alarm clock once more before he gets under the covers, looking at the way the numbers set a faint red glow on the books lying next to it. He’s finished the one on top of the stack only recently, right before the book he’s reading at the moment. He tries to relax by contemplating the book again, waiting for a familiar calmness to creep into his bones. It was one of the birthday gifts he received from Tendou, filled with stories of Greek mythology. The one on the cover had been their favorite – a story about a boy who flew too high, ignoring his father’s warnings and chasing the sun.

He spends the rest of his time falling asleep thinking of Icarus, the story morphing more and more the sleepier he gets. If he dreams of a redheaded sun he’s trying to chase with faulty eagle wings that break down mid-flight, Ushijima couldn’t tell you. He doesn’t remember anything but a longing for the sky when he wakes up. 

**_“One should not try to touch the light, my boy. Have I not told you of Icarus? Once a human has tasted the love of the sun, their eyes will forever be turned skywards, ignoring the ground and its safety below.”_ **

**_“Worry not, father. I don’t believe myself deserving of that splendid brilliance. But even so: Icarus might have flown too close to the sun, but at least he flew.”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ps: LOOK AT THIS [WONDERFUL FANART FROM CHAPTER 1](https://twitter.com/Possumel/status/1126842167119568896) \- I'm so incredibly happy! ^^ Thank you a thousand times, Possumel! ^^
> 
> Edit: Hey folks! Just a small note I wanted to make; if you're someone who dislikes writing a comment on AO3 and who'd rather tweet about my fic, I really would love to read those threads - just @ me and I'll read them for sure! I've read one long thread about my Ushiten fic and One shorter one about my Kyouhaba work, which I almost didn't see bc I wasn't added. Reading thoughts on my work gives me a lot of energy and generally gets me super excited and happy ^^ - I don't mind if it's criticism either (as long as people remain polite) - so please, if you have any thoughts about my works; I don't mind where you post your comments, as long as I have a way to find out where they are ;) - thank you! 💜


	2. Growth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey!  
> This is the saddest chapter of this fic, I’m afraid :/ or the first half, at least - it gets better afterwards :p
> 
> Happy 18th birthday to my ‘baby sister’ Nierochka! :D I know this comes a day late, but I still hope you’ll like it!!
> 
> This is a Hanahaki fic; so I want to warn everyone for breathing difficulties and a lot of coughing/near vomiting because of the illness, in this and the next chapter. Please be cautious if you’re easily affected by these subjects!
> 
> * * * 
> 
> Every chapter in this fic is based on a specific song that plays a large part in the story. For the first chapter, this is [BTS – Don’t leave me (lyrics are provided in Korean and English under the clip)](https://colorcodedlyrics.com/2018/05/bts-don-t-leave).
> 
> Ps: Thank you so much to all the people who commented on the first chapter! it really made me smile. ^^
> 
> Pss: LOOK AT THIS [WONDERFUL FANART FROM CHAPTER 1](https://twitter.com/Possumel/status/1126842167119568896) \- I'm so incredibly happy! ^^ Thank you a thousand times, Possumel! ^^

Ushijima knows his weekend is ruined from the moment he first opens his sleepy eyes. The remaining parts of his dream seep away before he can put any focus on them, and only a vaguely uncomfortable feeling remains. The deep breath he tries to take to clear his mind immediately alerts him to the origin of his discomfort. The cough syrup must not have worked, for Ushijima’s throat seems even tighter than before. His calm breaths don’t alleviate this annoyance at all and Wakatoshi winces, imagining the feeling his laboured breath will cause him while jogging. A short glance to the left tells him that he still has 4 minutes before his 6AM alarm will go off. Yamagata’s soft snores echo through the room. The sudden focus on his roommate seems to have unlocked something in his mind and all the memories of the day before flood his conscious. Ushijima wishes he hadn’t woken up. He doesn’t want to think right now – least of all about recent realisations on feelings he can’t deny anymore.

He cancels his alarm and turns to bury himself in his blanket again. Everyone deserves a sick day sometimes.

* * *

Wakatoshi struggles.

He’s sitting on his knees, gasping and scratching his throat as the air around him slowly disappears. He can see Tendou in front of him, standing in front of a bright spotlight – stretching his arms out and talking to him with a smile, beckoning him to come closer. Ushijima tries to move, but he’s glued to the ground, legs stiff and unwilling as he gasps for breath. He’s starting to hyperventilate when Tendou’s smile morphs to a frown, noticing something is wrong and running forward to help. He’s shouting at Ushijima, but the ace can’t hear anything – just the rushing sound of waterfalls echoing in his ears, the thundering of billions of raindrops hitting the ground. Black spots are starting to dance in front of his eyes as he sees Tendou get closer to him – and even in his panic he feels a bit safer. Tendou is there. Tendou will save him.

They’re only two metres apart when it happens. Wakatoshi stretches out a trembling hand to his friend when the other’s body stiffens. Staring at Ushijima as if he’s only seen him now for the first time. Shock and disgust form a strange mask on Tendou’s face, one that Ushijima has never seen before. Before he can do anything else, Tendou’s body starts to evaporate. Ushijima stares, gasping for breath and wide-eyed, as Tendou cries out, high and frightened. He stares as the body of his friend turns to water drops, flowing together and growing higher, higher – until a large wall of water is right in front of them, surging in their direction at giant speed. Ushijima sees how it crashes over the rest of Tendou’s body – his face still visible and frightened behind the wall of water – watches him as he dissolves and disappears. He starts to scream and doesn’t stop. He screams as he sees Tendou die. Screams at the water rushing towards him. Screams as the water enters his mouth and floods his longs – a burning sensation spreading through his body as he swallows water and suffocates. It hurts as he tries to cough and breathe, still feeling like he’s being burned from the inside as everything turns to black.

Ushijima shoots upright in his bed. He’s covered in sweat and harsh coughs wrack his body as he gasps for air and tries to breathe. Something is stuck in his throat and it takes even more coughing and hacking before something red and covered in spit lands on his bedsheet. Ushijima ignores it, taking deep and ragged breaths. He uses the back of his right hands to wipe the tears from his eyes that collected because of all the coughing.

Once his vision clears again, he notices that he’s alone. Yamagata must have left already. Despite everything, Ushijima is grateful. The libero might be a deep sleeper, but Ushijima doubts that even Yamagata would have been able to sleep through all the noise that he must have made.

With his breathing more or less back to normal, Ushijima focuses his gaze on the thing that was stuck in his throat. Now that he’s coughed out whatever-it-was that was stuck in there, his breathing comes far easier – the fresh air soothing to his stinging throat.

He stretches his finger and pokes at it, cringing a little at the weird texture. His face blanches as he spreads the red prop and sees what it is.

It’s a petal.

A red flower petal. 

* * *

The rest of his morning is spent in a daze. Ushijima might not be the smartest in his class, but he isn’t stupid either. He knows what coughing up flower petals means and he’s not idiotic enough to dismiss the wave of horror that fills him when he thinks about it. About the fact that he has Hanahaki.

Ushijima knows quite a lot about Hanahaki. Not just because it has to do with plants, but because his roommate is the largest sap in existence and loves to watch romantic dramas about the subject. He bitterly thinks that he’ll have to thank Yamagata for forcing the movies on him, someday, since they gave him the most knowledge he has, at this point.

He spends a good deal of the morning collecting as much data on Hanahaki as he can. If it had been any other disease, he would have gone to a doctor straight away – but it’s not like they’ll be able to tell him anything he doesn’t know yet. The only calming fact about this situation is that every site or book that he looks at informs his of the same thing: Hanahaki is a slow process. It takes several months for the disease to become a real danger - some people even live with it for years. This means that at least he’s got some time to think everything over.

He stares at the list with facts that he’d copied from one of the consulted books, trying to ground himself by rereading it for the 20th time that day.

Hanahaki originates in a separate part of the brain. The illness is somatic in nature, meaning that you experience emotions of such high intensity that they cause your body to become ill. This tricks the brain into developing Hanahaki – an illness that causes flowers to grow inside your lungs until you suffocate. Since most theorize that this is caused by feelings of unrequited love, the primarily suggested solution is to just confess to your crush – but this has sometimes proven to not be enough for people with self-confidence issues, since they still are unable to believe that their love is reciprocated. Hanahaki isn’t very common, since most people confess to their loved one before any physical traits of the illness start to manifest. Since this is a psychosomatic illness, doctors are limited in their responses. The only proven method of treatment is a combination of brain and lung surgery, where they try to sever the Hanahaki-knot from the rest of the brain and clear out the residue that remains in the lung cavity. The patient is strongly advised to avoid contact with the recipient of these emotions after the surgery, so as not to rekindle the Hanahaki symptoms. Even though proven successful, the surgery remains dangerous and can cause the patient’s behaviour to change afterwards. Different types of vegetation have been known to occur during a Hanahaki process. Many believe that the meaning of the flower indicates some character traits of the admired subject, but scientific research has not been able to confirm nor deny this as of yet.

There isn’t a doubt in Ushijima’s mind who his flowers are meant for. He also doesn’t doubt the fact that Satori will find out about this eventually. He’s too sharp-witted and observant not to notice anything, and even if that weren’t the case – Ushijima has made it a personal practice to tell as few lies as possible. Which means he’s absolute shit at it.

Maybe it would have worked out if it had been someone else, but Satori has known him too long – analysing and trying to interpret every micro expression that Ushijima’s capable of, reading him like others would play games.

He’s accepted the fact that Satori will find out about this in the end. He really does.

But just… Not now.

Not yet.

He isn’t ready.

* * *

The afternoon is spent trying to form some sort of plan and pretending to be busy with homework when Yamagata returns. He’s lucky his roommate doesn’t need much verbal stimulation. Ushijima just has to hum and nod here and there and can use the rest of the time to think while Yamagata’s voice is transformed into background noise.

He still doesn’t know how he should cope with his current problem. He won’t be able to keep this secret from Satori for long – not when he meets him as often as he usually does.

So Ushijima does the responsible thing and decides to avoid him.

* * *

Monday is awkward to say the least. He’s put his phone on silent the evening before and ‘forgot’ to go to their usual meeting spot at the library – choosing to do his homework by himself in his room. The thought of leaving his bedroom fills him with more anxiety than he’s felt in years, and he just filters everything out until his math homework is the only subject still on his mind.

All this doesn’t stop Tendou approaching him, of course. After ignoring the eleven messages he received the night before, Ushijima should have known better than to expect that the redhead would just leave him alone. Nevertheless he’s still surprised when a freckled hand suddenly clamps on his shoulder – a grinning Tendou appearing right in front of his face when he turns around.

“Did you fall asleep yesterday, Wakatoshi~kun?”

Wakatoshi shakes the hand off his shoulder like it burned him and speeds outside, leaving his friend behind. He can still feel the imprint of Tendou’s hand on his shoulder when he’s seated at his desk 10 minutes later.

Ushijima is standing 3 metres from their usual table when he realizes that he’s made a mistake. He’d automatically followed Yamagata to the cafeteria while the other boy was telling him about a new game that he wanted to buy – passing the double doors leading to the courtyard. His plans to eat his lunch outside, just as he did his breakfast, come rushing back when he sees Tendou waving at them from their table. He quickly pats Yamagata on the shoulder and turns to go sit at a table on the other side of the room. Yamagata seems confused about his request to tell everyone at their usual table that Wakatoshi wanted to study, but does as he’s asked. Ushijima glances at their table just long enough to see Tendou frown while Yamagata’s talking, before he turns his back to them and pulls a book from his bag – pretending to read while he’s eating.

He’s never had less of an appetite.

* * *

The reading proves to be a great strategy to avoid talking to others when he doesn’t want to, so Ushijima keeps using it.

He supposes that he looks like he doesn’t want to be disturbed – or maybe just like he’s antisocial – but he doesn’t really care. He uses the free time to stare at his book and try to form a more concrete plan that he can follow.

He hasn’t talked to Tendou yet, even though it was quite hard to avoid him during practice. He’s been lucky with the way their training was split into groups that day, so he and Tendou didn’t have to interact at all. He’s made sure that he was the first one to leave the club room afterwards, but he knows that he won’t be able to keep this up for long.

He’s shaken from his thoughts when a vanilla pudding is placed aggressively in front of him. His eyes drift upwards to see Semi looking at him like he’s challenging him to a duel.

“Pudding isn’t supposed to be thrown, Semi.”

“Setters aren’t meant to be asked by worried teammates to join a suddenly antisocial friend, Ushijima.”

Ushijima just blinks at him. Semi sighs, squaring his shoulders before stating bluntly what’s on his mind.

“Why are you avoiding Tendou, ‘shijima?”

Ushijima’s eyes flicker away from Semi’s searching gaze, but he doesn’t say anything.

“I wasn’t kidding you know. He asked me to come sit with you in case something was wrong.”

Ushijima clenches his fists in his lap and remains silent.

Semi leans forward to rest his chin on his hand, aggressive tension seeming to radiate from his body.

“ _Are_ you alright, Ushijima?”

He sounds worried.

“I was just… reading.”

Semi scoffs, quirking his eyebrow.

“You know, people tend to turn the pages of their book when they’re reading. You seem to forget that’s a thing.” He sighs again. “You know you can tell me if something’s wrong, right?”

Ushijima clears his throat, thinking quickly. Semi isn’t someone he’d usually go to with these kinds of things, but he trusts him and he knows Eita will keep quiet if he asks him to. Semi just watches him as he thinks, opening the pudding he brought for himself and shoving a spoon towards Wakatoshi’s own cup.

Ushijima waits until Semi has his mouth full of pudding before he says: “Could you just… stay with him? During practice? Away… from me?”

He raises his hand as Semi tries to swallow his pudding as quickly as possible, eager to respond.

“I just need… some time to think.”

He looks down and pokes the pudding with his spoon, waiting for the setter’s answer.

“You know…” Ushijima looks up. Semi is frowning, but he doesn’t look angry. He’s fixing Ushijima with the analytical type of stare that he usually saves for enemy teams during matches. “I won’t ask you for things you don’t want to share, since I have a feeling I know what this is about.”

Ushijima nods gratefully, but Semi wasn’t done talking yet.

“But I do want to warn you. Don’t let this drag on. It won’t do either of you any good. Tendou’s a good guy, you can talk to him about… things”, he finishes lamely. Ushijima gives a little nod, less enthusiastic this time, and they finish their pudding in silence.

* * *

Semi keeps his word and drags Tendou away during practice. He also sits with Ushijima to eat, the next two days. Even though they don’t talk about Tendou again, Ushijima can see that Semi gets more frustrated with every passing day.

Ushijima hasn’t directly spoken to Tendou again. The excuses he uses every evening to avoid their shared moments get more stupid and unbelievable by the day. He knows that he’s probably hurting Tendou with his behaviour, but he can’t seem to stop. Every time he sees the redhead his body just freezes. The parts of his brain that demand immediate attention and beg him to just cling to Tendou are so strong that he can’t do anything except run away as fast as possible. He only wanted to collect his thoughts and process everything, but the longer he waits, the more he starts to doubt that he’ll be able to sort out everything as quickly as he normally would.

* * *

Thursday is when they reach the breaking point.

He’s been coughing up a leaf each day, and he can feel something tickling in this throat when long fingers curl around his wrist at the end of practice. He doesn’t look at Tendou – scared that his friend will be able to read something in his face, even without saying anything.

He just pulls himself loose and heads to his room.

* * *

Ushijima flushes the toilet and watches the three leaves get dragged away by the flow of the water. The slightest tremble shakes his shoulders. He shouldn’t be coughing up multiple leaves this soon. It’s going too fast. He wonders if it’s because Tendou touched his wrist halve an hour ago. Maybe his separation from the redhead is making him react even more when they _do_ meet, instead of preventing worse attacks.

He’s still a bit shaken up when he heads to the cafeteria for dinner. He’s looking forward to another one of the calm conversations that Semi and him have been having over the last few days. Anything that keeps his mind from his anxiety and the flowers for a couple of minutes would be a blessing at this point. He only realizes something is wrong when he approaches his table and there’s someone already sitting there. Someone that has a hood over their head, but still – Semi would never wear socks of such bright colour.

Tendou turns his head right when Ushijima’s about to change direction. They stare at each other – Ushijima’s body awkwardly turned sideways. It’s like time holds still. Ushijima can’t move. He’s strangely reminded of a rabbit, standing stock-still in front of a wolf – hoping that the other won’t attack, that they’ll be saved somehow. He isn’t sure which of them is the rabbit.

It’s the first time in 5 days that he’s seen Tendou’s face this close. He’s avoided looking at him at any other circumstance. He doesn’t look well. He has visible eye bags and his face is so pale that his freckles stand out starkly against his skin. Ushijima wants to trace them with his fingers. Tendou just looks… tired. Even his hair seems droopy – but that might also be because it’s not as well-styled as usual. His gaze is still as intense as ever though, scanning Ushijima’s face. Ushijima wonders if he finds what he’s looking for.

And then Tendou blinks. Just like that, the strange spell that seems to have taken hold of Ushijima breaks and he stumbles a few steps sideways. The feeling that he needs to leave this place as quickly as possible crashes over him. Tendou doesn’t seem to notice. He sends Ushijima the smallest, most insecure wobbly smile Wakatoshi has ever seen from him. Then he lifts his hand to wave. Or beckon him closer. Or high five. Ushijima doesn’t know. He just sees Tendou’s fingers lift from the table and feels like someone has giving him a push against his sternum. He doesn’t wait to see what Tendou raised his hand for, he just turns and walks away – back to his room. He doesn’t even think about food or the fact that he should take some with him – only that he has to leave.

Leave, before he does something stupid like hugging Tendou and refusing to let him go again. Vowing to never leave his side.

What stupid thoughts from an 18 year old. Stupid thoughts from a stupid boy who will never get what he wants most. Not that he deserves someone like Tendou anyway. Ushijima lets the door slam behind him as he nearly jogs outside. Without the illness he could at least have cherished the last school year that they’ll be together, instead of running away from his friend like a coward.

A sudden rush of anger surges through him and he turns to hit an innocent tree next to the pathway, putting all his might in his swing. He’s staring at the bruised fingers of this left hand, panting lightly, when he hears a squeak. Apparently, some girl has seen him hit the tree. She catches him staring at her and runs off, her green scarf flowing behind her running figure. He must have seemed like a madman.

Ushijima exhales deeply, rubbing his hands over his face. The stinging of his knuckles is not enough to distract him from the tell-tale tickling at the back of his throat.

* * *

Ushijima is brushing his teeth when he hears the knock. Luckily, the petals that he coughs up are not yet so ingrained in his lungs that they’re covered in blood when he has one of his fits, but they still leave a nasty taste in his mouth. He takes the two bright red leaves and wraps them in toilet paper before throwing them in the trash. It would be hard to explain to Yamagata why there are wet flower petals in the trashcan each day. It’s almost a shame, he thinks, as he rinses his mouth. The petals are very pretty. He would have loved them if their origin hadn’t been that macabre. He can hear more knocks from the front door, louder this time – sounding almost impatient.

Ushijima’s still thinking about the flower petals when he opens the door to see a furious Semi stand in front of him.

“We need to talk. Right now.”

* * *

Ushijima sits in his usual chair and regards a still fuming Semi. He feels numb. Semi’s previous shouts about Satori having had a meltdown and breaking apart in their room echo in his head. Semi has no patience for Ushijima’s stillness. Not this time. He goes on and on, ranting about how Satori’s been restless for days. How he hasn’t slept. How he’s been monologuing that he must’ve made some mistake, scaring Ushijima away – forcing away his best friend because of his own behaviour. How he didn’t seem to even notice Semi was there anymore as he let his thoughts drag him deeper and deeper towards an anxiety attack.

Semi’s voice is even more strained now. Ushijima doesn’t know how long the other’s been talking. He startles when Semi suddenly stops, staring at him with red-rimmed eyes, even though he hasn’t shed a tear himself.

“And?”

Silence.

“What do you have to say to this.”

Ushijima bites the inside his cheeks so hard he tastes copper. He has nothing to say. Nothing to excuse him for acting the way he did. Even Hanahaki doesn’t seem big enough of a reason to cause Tendou to break down like this.

He fiddles with his hands, wincing a little when his fingers glide past the fresh bruises on his left knuckles. He wishes he hadn’t moved at all when he sees Semi’s gaze shift.

“What’s that? What did you do to your hand?”

That’s something he can answer, at least.

“I hit a tree.”

“You… what? Why.”

“I was angry.”

“At myself”, he clarifies, seeing Semi’s expression.

Semi clenches his eyes shut for a moment, trying to find his bearings.

“You should be angry. I know you might not like change that much, but Jesus _fuck_ Wakatoshi, you can’t just do this! You can’t break him down like that, it’s not fair.”

Ushijima’s lips start to tremble, so he pinches them together so hard they turn white. Semi seems to have noticed nonetheless. His shoulders sag as he lets his tiredness show. It’s like watching a melting candle suddenly sag sideways.

He exhales slowly and softly before he says: “Don’t run away from Tendou like that again, Ushijima. Don’t run from his friendship because of this, it’s breaking him apart and it’s only been a couple days.”

Ushijima nods stiffly. It doesn’t appease Semi.

“I’m serious! Even if you’d need more space, just tell him and he’ll listen. Any explanation would be better than your friend just running away whenever you want to fix the situation. Promise me you’ll talk to him.”

“As soon as possible.”

Semi shifts his jaw a bit, but he doesn’t argue.

Ushijima remains in his chair, even after the door’s clicked shut behind Semi’s back. He has no idea what to say to Tendou when he faces him again. He’s never been very proficient at leading such conversations. But he’ll have to push through if he wants to keep Tendou from wilting even more than he already seems to have done. And if there’s one thing he’s sure of, it’s that no price is too high to keep Tendou’s smile shining bright like the sun.

* * *

Ushijima Wakatoshi has never considered himself a coward.

He’s always faced his difficulties head-on, never bowing down or trying to run away from his responsibilities. But when he quickly steps behind a wall to narrowly avoid Tendou for the second time that day, he starts to doubt this self-image. It’s like being at war with himself. He wants to talk to Tendou, honestly. And he remembers everything that Semi’s told him – even though some far away part of his mind wishes he hadn’t. It’s just that… Despite the fact that he promised Eita he would talk to Satori as soon as possible, the air seems to freeze in his lungs whenever he catches a glimpse of the redhead. He doesn’t remember ever having been this afraid of a conversation in his lifetime. Not even when he’d broken the expensive vase of his grandmother, or when he’d taken his mom’s new white blouse to clean up a paint stain he made when he was little. It feels like falling. He’s breathless with fear whenever he so much as thinks about the coming conversation, feeling like he’s being hit down mid-flight, crashing towards the ground – nothing there to stabilize him or cushion his landing.

There’s also the dread that by trying to talk to Tendou, he’ll hurt him even more somehow. That his inability to voice his thoughts will show up to crush him at the most crucial moment, leaving him unable to explain his erratic behaviour. He knows Tendou lives in fear of being abandoned. Satori told him, once, how all his friends left when he got bullied as a child. How there was nothing worse than seeing them leave him behind instead of defending him. It isn’t like Wakatoshi had forgotten these stories – he just didn’t expect Tendou to take their separation so seriously, to compare it to those moments. He should have known better.

Fixing the current situation should be his main priority, and ignoring his own fear seems like a logical enough conclusion – until the moment comes and he ends up hiding behind a wall again.

It’s been lonely for him too. He’s had Semi, of course, and he’d still talked to the rest of his teammates during training when he could – but separating himself from Tendou feels like an ever-playing radio that’s suddenly silent. Like the normally unnoticed sounds of nature have decided to quiet down – leaving an eerie silence. It’s unnatural and unsettling to say the least. It all leaves him nauseous. Even his favorite fruit can’t boost his appetite. He hasn’t been able to eat a peach for days – feeling guilt bend around him like a heavy blanket whenever he catches the normally so comforting smell.

He’ll do it tomorrow, he decides, as he watches Tendou’s back enter his dorm room. Tomorrow he’ll succeed.

* * *

His plan seems foolproof. He’ll just wait until after Saturday morning practice and ask Tendou if he wants to talk. He still doesn’t know what he’s about to say, exactly – but he’ll have to hope that Tendou will be able to read his thoughts as accurately as always. The only thing he hadn’t accounted for is the fact that Tendou’s already gone when he enters the clubroom. Ushijima and Goshiki were on duty to put away the ball carts and nets, but Tendou always takes his time to redress, so Ushijima hadn’t been worried. The fact that the redhead’s gone makes him even more uncomfortable than before. It’s not like it’s the end of the world – he’ll just have to go to Tendou’s room and ask him to talk, instead of just doing it right after practice, but for some reason, the change of plans feel like a weight he can’t carry at the moment.

Grey hair catches his gaze when he opens the door of the clubroom to leave.

“You look miserable.”

Ushijima just lets his glance shift away from Semi’s face. He doesn’t need this at the moment.

“I wouldn’t have noticed before, I think” Semi continues as Ushijima closes the door and puts his hands in his pockets, “but he’s been rambling about specific facial changes of our team for so long that you just can’t help but remember some”.

Ushijima’s gives a miniscule nod. His focus shifts to Semi again when he feels a finger poke the left side of his forehead.

“You frown in a different way. It was something about your left eyebrow being… sad. Or something… More curved..? I don’t know, can’t remember. His explanations are quite shitty sometimes. Anyway – walk with me, will you.”

It sounds more like a command than a proposition, but Ushijima follows him anyway.

They walk in silence. Ushijima is waiting for Semi to try and ask him why he hasn’t talked to Tendou yet, but the question never comes. They walk side by side into the forest next to campus, looking at the patterns the sun creates on the forest floor. They’ve only advanced into the wood for a couple meters when Semi stops abruptly. The other’s gaze is turned to a point a bit above Ushijima’s left shoulder as he turns around to look questioningly at the setter. Semi clicks his tongue, his face looking almost exaggeratedly sad.

“I’m afraid that I… forgot something. Yes. I forgot to bring my bag to my room before coming here.”

Ushijima tilts his head to the side a bit and turns, ready for them to walk back to the dorms – but Semi stretches his hands out and stops him.

“You know, I’ll just run back quickly – you can just wait here, right? I won’t be long.”

Ushijima frowns. “I brought my bag too, you know. We could just return here after we go to the dorms togeth-”

“Ah, no no. That’s okay, I’ll just take yours too. You won’t have to wait long.”

Ushijima doesn’t react as Semi reaches for his sports bag, confused by his friend’s weird behaviour.

“You won’t have to wait long, I promise”, is the only explanation he gets before Semi trots off, leaving him behind in the woods.

This doesn’t seem right at all. His confusion only lasts for a couple more seconds. Things become frighteningly clear when he catches a smell from behind him – too sweet to belong to the forest itself. He’s proud of himself for not jumping when his companion starts to talk. The sudden breath flowing past his neck still makes him stiffen up though, the idea of how close Tendou must be paralyzing him from his neck down.

“Don’t be mad at Eita. He just did as I asked.”

Tendou has to be standing right behind him as he talks. Ushijima doesn’t turn around immediately, scared to just divulge his every thought the second he’ll lock eyes with Tendou. He remains facing forward as he responds.

“I’m not angry.” Ushijima’s voice is soft, belying the way his shoulders tense up even more.

“It’s been a while since we chatted.” Tendou’s tone is bright with laughter, but it feels so wrong that Ushijima’s body turns on instinct – feeling the need to see the expression that accompanies those words. Satori’s face is neutral. It’s unusual to see him this guarded, but Ushijima guesses that he has himself to thank for that.

“I need to tell you some things.”

Tendou’s eyes flicker over his face, but he remains silent, waiting for Ushijima to continue.

“I need to… I mean… I want to explain…”

WHY. Why does this have to be so _hard_. Others never seem to have this problem. But maybe that’s the problem in the first place – him focusing too much on how others would approach this. Maybe he’ll be able to fix things if he treats it like he would handle a difficult spike during practice; just smash the truth to Tendou, hoping that he’ll be strong enough to just accept everything Ushijima throws at him.

He decides to skip the first part of his explanation and just go in for the kill. He knows what he’s about to say isn’t the whole truth and will probable manipulate Tendou into secrecy, but it already takes everything he has to share this secret at the moment. He pulls his right hand out of his pocket and stretches it towards Tendou. He dumps the little see-through plastic bag into a freckled hand and starts explaining as he waits for the other to react.

“You know me very well, Satori. Too well. I’m sorry that I ran away. I know that I shouldn’t have, but this was a very recent development and I wasn’t ready to share it with others. I’m still not ready. But I’ve… decided that I have to share this if I don’t want to cause you more harm.”

Tendou has flattened the plastic, peering at the flower petals inside. Ushijima goes on when Tendou’s gaze finally shifts to his face again. He still doesn’t show a lot of emotion and Ushijima’s starting to think that he’ll have to spell it out if he wants the middle blocker to understand.

“You’re showing me these petals because you-?”

“They’re mine.”

“They’re yours?” Tendou blinks rapidly. “But how can-” his voice sizzles away when he watches Ushijima tap at his own chest with his fingers.

Ushijima can see that Tendou’s thoughts are getting somewhere close to where he wants them too, so he decides to tap on his throat too. He can see the second everything clicks to place in Tendou’s mind – an unadulterated wave of horror morphing his features to something masklike.

“No…” The word is so soft that Ushijima wouldn’t have known Tendou spoke if he hadn’t been watching his lips move. “Are you…? Why…?”

Ushijima chews on his lip as he waits for Tendou to process everything. Tendou seems so utterly nauseated by the situation that Ushijima thanks every atom of his being that he decided not to tell his friend whom the flowers were for. Not that it’s very hard to guess. He falls back into the conversation he’d prepared in his mind, relieved that Tendou doesn’t show any outward signs of anger.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you by avoiding you and I sincerely want to apologize. I wasn’t thinking rationally. My behaviour wasn’t… I doesn’t have to do with you. It’s not your fault at all, it’s all me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“When did it start?”

“Last Saturday.”

He can almost _see_ Tendou’s mind flitting back to that day, analysing everything that happened. The training, then homework, then karaoke.

There’s a second of silence, before he quickly adds “it happened a while after training that day”.

Well… It’s not like he’s _lying_ … By definition, that is. It did happen Saturday and it did happen a couple hours after training. But he’ll have a lot more to explain if he just says: “I saw you singing and suddenly got the tendency to start throwing up red flowers”.

“After training? But nothing was different..? We were just practicing for the tournament and talking about finals and… And…”

A new wave of unease glides over Tendou’s features. Ushijima’s stretches and bends his toes in his sneakers, trying to distract himself from the tingling sensation that seems to have taken over his body. His hands are cold. The last half hour of Saturday’s practice had been spent together – talking about the other teams they would compete against while Tendou tried to stop some of his spikes. He wonders if he’ll be able to outrun Tendou’s questions if he figures out that Ushijima’s in love with him. His legs twitch.

Tendou seems to have noticed his unease too, and he must be afraid that Ushijima will try to leave again, for he says: “don’t go running away now, Toshi~?”. There’s a small humourless smirk on this face, washing away whatever signs that were left of the horror that was there before. Still, there’s something inherently wrong with the tone of voice the redhead’s using if even Ushijima, despite his lack of social cues, can pick up on it this quickly.

Wakatoshi wants to clear his friend of the fear that he’ll run again (even though his desire to do just that was going strong a couple of seconds ago). He doesn’t know what to say to accomplish this, though. Comforting others has never exactly been his forte. He doesn’t know what Tendou needs to hear to make him feel better, so he decides to just answer like he normally would.

“I’m… getting quite used to running together.”

A small smile replaces the empty smirk on Tendou’s face. He gives the plastic bag back to Ushijima before mentioning airily: “you know… your tempo can be a bit too fast for others to follow when you forget to keep an eye on them, too”.

Ushijima frowns. “I know that I’m faster? I’ll just run at your pace then.”

His answer must have worked somehow, because Tendou visibly relaxes – his usual teasing tone returning to his voice. “~Well then. Let’s celebrate by running to the cafeteria, ‘cause I’m starving~.”

* * *

Tendou interrupts his story about some new superhero show he’s watching when they are close enough to see the entrance of the school buildings. The sunlight creates the illusion that his eyes are glittering as he looks at Ushijima and says: “you know… You may run faster, but I’d catch up in the end.”

“That seems quite impossible, since you said yourself I run faster.”

“I guess. But you’d take breaks – my running wouldn’t stop.”

Ushijima smiles at the declaration. Satori’s tendency to exclaim weird things doesn’t seem to have been affected by the few days of silence.

“That seems like a lot of work.”

“Ah, well...”

Tendou starts walking faster so he can enter the building first, turning his back to Ushijima.

“Isn’t that just something… friends… do?”

* * *

Even though he’s apologized several times by now, Ushijima’s unease hasn’t been erased all at once. A tiny piece of it remains firmly rooted in his chest, even after having had the talk with Tendou and their following lunch. He wants to go back to how they were before right away, but it seems that’ll take a bit more than just two hours, sadly enough. Still – fate can stand to be helped along in mending their relationship.

Luckily for Ushijima, there are some very specific options he can use to reinforce the casual strength their friendship has always possessed. He expects that the easy routine their mutual hobbies have ingrained them with will serve as the perfect opportunity to let them feel like they did before the… incident. Even though things might still be a little awkward, the weekly traditions they cherish should provide the necessary opportunity to fall back into the safe routine they’re used to.

Ushijima gives himself a mental pat on the shoulder when Tendou shifts to rest his chin on Ushijima’s thigh, wriggling a little until he finds the best position to lay in. The fact that Tendou shifts his position every 3 minutes used to be distracting to Ushijima, but he finds comfort in it now, relishing in the fact that Tendou feels at ease enough to slump over him – just as he’s used to doing whenever they watch documentaries together.

“~What kind of flower would you be, you think~?”

“A sunflower, I guess.” The answer flows easily from his lips as the woman on the screen goes on and on about the different types of plants in the botanical garden she’s visiting. Questions like these used to confuse him as much as the casual touches did, but he’s learned to cherish those as well. It’s not like he’ll ever understand Tendou’s need to compare himself to all things living and inanimate, but the answer feels fitting.

Satori hums. “’n Why’s that? Just because they’re tall~?”

Since Ushijima himself doesn’t identify with non-living characteristics, he’s used to  saying whatever comes to mind first. His mind doesn’t want to cooperate at this moment though. All he comes up with is the notion that he could understand wanting to bend your form again and again, trying to enjoy the sun’s company for as long as possible. Wanting to follow something bright, like the flowers do the sun. He doesn’t feel like telling Tendou this, though, since the middle blocker is sure to ask for an explanation and Ushijima would have nothing to say. Still – he has to say _something_ , so he just goes with a simplified version of his thoughts.

“They follow the sun.”

Satori hums again.

They’re watching the fourth episode of the docuseries when they breach the subject Ushijima was hoping to avoid for a while longer. Tendou’s sitting cross-legged on the left side of the bed at the moment, leaning forward on his elbows in such a low bow that his stomach is touching his calves. 

“How are you feeling?”

It takes a second for Ushijima to notice that this isn’t a random question, like the other ones he’s answered the last two hours. Tendou doesn’t add anything more to his question, but Ushijima knows what he’s really asking about.

“I’m fine.”

Tendou narrows his eyes as he examines him.

“~You would tell me though, right, Wakatoshi~kuuun?” There’s a dangerous lilt to the redhead’s voice. Wakatoshi blinks at him and Tendou sighs.

“I can handle a lot, but I hate lies. I won’t accept them when they’re about things like this. It’s okay if you want more space, or if you need time to answer my questions – it’s not like I always have a right to the answers after all. But if you answer me I want to be able to know that you’re telling the truth – I can promise you that I’ll be honest in return… If you ask me something, I mean.”

“It’s… an okay day today.” He keeps his eyes fixed on Tendou as he speaks, trying to convey that he really is speaking the truth. His message must come across, since Tendou nods at him before changing the subject again.

They just started talking about the teams they expect to face next weekend when a new coughing fit wracks Ushijima’s body. He stumbles to the bathroom when it doesn’t end right away, leaning over the sink as he tries to gasp for air. He gives himself a couple of minutes to settle when it’s over – taking his time washing his hands before he returns to his bedroom. Tendou’s waiting for him – eyes boring into his skull. He doesn’t need to say anything to get his question across.

“It was an incomplete flower.”

Tendou’s frown deepens. He opens his mouth before closing it again, swallowing the question he was about to ask. Instead, he says: “Why don’t you tell the others? Why are you keeping quiet about this? I wanted to ask yesterday, but… Yeah.”

“They can’t know yet. I have to wait until after nationals.”

“I don’t understand why that–”

“I have to wait until after I receive a scholarship. Even though coach told me I’ve been spotted over the last couple years, I need to show that I can still play well this year too. I won’t get a chance if they know I might have a chronic illness.”

“…Toshi, I don’t want to be rude, but– isn’t that a stupid plan? They’ll know eventually, won’t they?”

“I’ve looked it up, it’s a legal issue. They can’t retract their offer if my illness wasn’t a problem for them when they made it in the first place. They’d have to pay a fine if they took my scholarship back. So even if they did – I’d still be able to go to college.”

Satori doesn’t look convinced, but Ushijima wants him to understand – if only because that will make sure he remains quiet for one more month.

“You know my parents divorced. It’s not like my family is lacking, but my mom is alone. I can’t afford to study with the money we’re currently making. I’ve been helping on my neighbour’s farm every vacation we’ve had, but I’m still only able to afford a fraction of the cost. I need the schools to scout me if I want to get a degree.”

Tendou keeps staring at him for a while, completely silent. When he finally casts down his eyes, Ushijima knows he’s won the argument.

“Only until the second we return from nationals though.”

“Only until after nationals.”

* * *

“Your food is getting cold, Satori.”

Tendou cocks his head a little to the right as he prods his rice with his chopsticks, but he keeps his eyes trained on Ushijima’s face instead of eating. It’s been like this all day. Ushijima shudders a little as he remembers the last time Satori had been staring this intensely at him – he’d been wondering which colour to dye Wakatoshi’s hair for their trip to a cosplay convention. Now that he thinks about it, Ushijima can’t really understand why he didn’t figure out that he liked Tendou much sooner than he did. As if he’d let anyone other than Tendou dye his hair a dark blue. Before he can say something to distract Tendou from his hopefully-not-related-to-hair-dye staring, they’re interrupted by the sudden appearance of Jin. This effectively pulls Tendou’s attention away from the captain as he dismisses Jin’s apology for the interruption.

“How are you feeling?”

Jin grimaces a little. “Not that well, actually. I’m glad that coach let me sit out for the last 20 minutes of practice, but I still feel like shit.” He turns his gaze to Ushijima next. “I’m sorry, Wakatoshi, but I won’t be able to join you tonight. I think Semi would be willing to fall in for me, though. Is that okay with you?”

Ushijima gives a little nod before saying: “take care of yourself, Jin”.

“~What do you need Semisemi’s help for~?”

“We were planning on reviewing the other teams before the competition. But it’d be unfair to let Ushijima do all the–” Jin pauses, bowing forward a little and pushing his hand to his stomach.

“I can fall in for you, if you want,” Tendou comments with a worried face, “but I think it’d be best if you just go to bed now~.”

Ushijima mumbles his agreement, keeping a close eye on his vice-captain. “Do you want me to walk with you, Jin?” He waits until Jin gives a shaky nod before standing up. “I’ll just bring him to the infirmary first. We can meet when you’re done with your meal.”

“~Yeah, just come to me and Semi’s. And get well soon, Jin~!”

* * *

Tuesday evening is spent the same way as Monday, but in Ushijima’s room this time. Since Semi had been present in his and Tendou’s dorm room yesterday, he’d sat with the both of them while they read about the competition they would face within a couple of days. They’d only spoken about the teams in their own tier, keeping the rest for today. Tendou sighs as he plumps down next to Ushijima.

“~Do we even really need to talk about the other tier, though? We know Aoba Johsai is probably going to win~.”

“It never hurts to at least regard your opponents, even though our team is clearly the strongest. Let’s just go over them quickly. We can start with Karasuno and Senseki.”

It takes less than an hour to review all the other teams before they arrive at the rivals they expect to battle during the final round. They go over every single player, at Tendou’s request – it’s not like they don’t have the time anyway. They work methodically; starting at the team members with the lowest number that they’ve encountered in previous matches, and working their way to the top of the list. They don’t know anything about their new members, but Ushijima doubts that there’s a first year his team won’t be able to handle.

Tendou has something to say about everyone – speculating about which people will be easier to block or taunt. Ushijima is walking back towards their table with two glasses of water as he listens to Tendou talking animatedly about a middle blocker from the other team.

“~He’s quite good. His eyebrows are really distracting though, maybe that’s one of his weapons? Do you think I’d block even better if I had eyebrows like that?~”

Ushijima snorts as he pushes Tendou’s glass to his side of the table, reacting before truly considering what he’s about to say.

“You’re always distracting.”

He’s taken by surprise by his own reaction, water sloshing over the edge of Tendou’s glass as his hand gives a nervous twitch. His habit of just speaking his mind used to be a good thing, but it doesn’t seem to be a good idea, lately.

It doesn’t look like Tendou noticed the compliment, though. He’s looking down, pulling at a loose thread of his sweater. His voice is strangely empty as he says: “Yes… I guess my face is distracting to them… It’s always been like that after all.”

Ushijima stares, not really comprehending the sudden shift in mood that took place. He turns sideways a bit so he can see Tendou’s expression more clearly, squinting his eyes to keep out the last sunbeams that peek through the window and shine on their faces. Tendou doesn’t seem bothered by the light, recapping his thoughts out loud as he scribbles them down on some paper. Ushijima zones out a bit, concentrating on the way the sunlight makes Satori glow, his hair so bright it looks like it’s on fire.

He’s confronted with his daydreaming when Tendou bends backwards to grab another pen from his backpack, pulling his body out of the beams of sunlight. Ushijima quickly grabs his glass of water, letting out a little hum to let Tendou know he’s paying attention. He’s just put the glass to his lips when he realizes Tendou’s moved on to Oikawa, choking when the other’s rude remarks register in his brain and make him laugh. He puts his glass back on the table as he sputters, trying to regain his normal breathing and hiding his laughter. Tendou moves in closer, obviously worried about his captain’s reaction.

“Are you–”

Ushijima’s sputtering transitions into coughs that wrack his entire body as he leans back, away from Tendou’s distressed face and trying to resist grabbing the redhead’s shoulder to steady himself, knowing that physical contact will probably only makes things worse. He doesn’t have the option to move to the bathroom this time, deciding to grab a wastebasket close to them when he feels the flower petals moving up his throat.

Ushijima opens his eyes when he’s done coughing, Tendou’s hand hovering awkwardly in the air next to his shoulder, obviously unsure in which way he should comfort his friend. He looks sick – nauseated by the sounds of all the coughing and hacking. Ushijima vaguely remembers Satori having troubles with listening to someone being sick. In the end he suggests it might be better if they just go to sleep. Tendou agrees with a trembling nod and scrambles to collect all his belongings before heading to his own room. He lingers in the doorway for a couple of seconds, his back still turned to Ushijima, but in the end he just leaves without turning around or saying another word.

Ushijima remains seated next to the wastebasket, the last rays of the sun now unable to reach his window.

* * *

He’s lucky that the Hanahaki hit him during summer, Ushijima supposes, as he takes place on the bench next to Satori. They’ve formed the habit of eating outside together, hoping to prevent others from seeing Ushijima cough if a new wave of his illness should occur.

It’s only two more days until the first match. They’re both excited, for different reasons. Tendou can’t seem to wait until the restrictions of secrecy are lifted. He’s repeated the question if they should keep this quiet during breakfast and lunch. Ushijima’s strongly suspects that he’s still thinking about it now, since he’s glowering at his food like it’s just insulted his mother.

His suspicions turn out to be correct when Tendou suddenly bursts out: “I really think you should tell more people”.

“You know why I can’t do that.”

“Yes! I do! But–”

Tendou bites his lip. He’s frowning so harshly his eyebrows seem almost connected. Ushijima hopes his teammates won’t start asking questions. Tendou’s been in a bad mood all day.

“I know you worry. I appreciate your concern, but there’s nothing I can do at this point.”

He tries to ignore the glare Satori throws his way, keeping in mind that it’s not really _him_ that his friend’s angry with, but his illness. He tries so make his voice a little more soothing, wanting to calm down Satori’s anger. He’s never been good in keeping his negative emotions to himself after all.

“It’s just a few more days. Things will be better afterwards.”

Tendou’s frown recedes a bit, but not enough to Ushijima’s liking.

“I know. I’ll stop, just… Can’t you go to a doctor before then? _Please_.”

Ushijima hesitates. He was planning on visiting the hospital after their return from nationals, but he’ll have to compromise if he wants Tendou to calm down. There’s also the fact that the symptoms of his illness have been increasing at a rate he isn’t really comfortable with. He’s coughed up several incomplete flowers by now. They hurt more than the leaves he used to cough up before. Maybe it couldn’t hurt to schedule his appointment a bit sooner…

“I’ll go before we leave for nationals. Okay?”

Tendou scans Ushijima’s face for a couple seconds before he says: “before the finals in Miyagi”. It isn’t a question. Ushijima gives a resigned nod. He knows he’s asking a lot from Satori – the other not used to keeping anything serious from his friends.

“Thank you.”

Tendou doesn’t answer.

* * *

Before they know it, the last day of training has passed. Tomorrow they’ll face the first day of the tournament. Ushijima doesn’t know how to feel about it. He’s thought long and hard about the things he’ll have to do when Nationals are over. He’s decided to confess to Satori then, the day after their last match – whatever day that may be. He knows he’s in danger of ruining whatever bond they have – a bond that’s still mending (even though at this point it’s almost the same as it was before). But the act of keeping quiet is slowly driving him to feel more and more guilty each day. Satori deserves to know. Also; the female lead of the romcom Yamagata was watching before practice said that it’s easier to get over someone if you tell them the truth. Well, kinda – in reality she warned another character about the “what if’s” that will plague your mind when you do not confess. Wakatoshi doesn’t know if that’s actually true or not, but it’s just one more reason to try. And maybe… Just maybe… If he read Satori’s behaviour wrong, somehow, maybe…

Ushijima shakes his head, trying to physically force his thoughts to a different route. It doesn’t matter. Satori will say no, but he’ll finally understand everything and Ushijima won’t have to feel guilty if he avoids Satori for the couple of weeks afterwards. Or maybe he won’t avoid him – he doesn’t know how quickly the effects of the surgery will take place.

“I’m heading back, Ushijima-san!”

Ushijima raises his hand to indicate that he’s heard Shirabu’s shout, before bending down a little to close the lock of the storage containing the volleyball carts. He’s in no hurry to head back. Satori told him he’d wait for Ushijima to return after clean-up, so they could head back together. Ushijima is happy that they’re back on speaking terms, but being too close to Satori still drains him of his mental energy sometimes. The internal struggle between wanting to hold Satori close and walking away so he can ignore those instincts doesn’t get easier as time passes, rather the opposite is true. He’s lucky that Shirabu was chosen to fall in for Jin and help him with clean-up, instead of Tendou. This way he at least had a couple of minutes to himself. After walking one more round to check everything, Ushijima heads back to the clubroom. He’s surprised to see it’s just Satori who’s sitting there, when he opens the door.

Satori answers his question before he asks it; “Shirabu decided to redress in the dorms. He was way too excited in my opinion, so I hope he didn’t mean he’s headed to _my_ room instead of his. Do you think Semi would kick me if I text him to clean the shower after they’re done?”

Ushijima shakes his head, dismissive of Tendou’s insinuations.

“I doubt he’ll go anywhere but his own room. There’s no reason to go to your guys’ room to shower instead of his own.”

Satori stares at him unblinkingly, only turning his head away when Ushijima starts to undress.

“~It’s almost funny how pure of mind you are, sometimes, Toshi~”

Ushijima remains silent. He doesn’t think telling Tendou about some of his dreams would be helpful at this moment, even though the admission would prove Tendou wrong. He sits down on one of the benches as he starts to pull on his undershirt, listening to the turning pages of the magazine Tendou was reading before he entered.

“Fucking _UN_ believable!”

Ushijima continues to bend down and pull on some socks, waiting for Satori to explain which of his favorite actresses was insulted his time around. He’s just straightened back up when a warm body slams into his back, forcing him to bend forward again.

“Sorry for the whiplash, but just _look. At. this_.” Ushijima tries to focus his gaze on the magazine that was haphazardly thrown on his lap, trying very hard to not pay attention to the way Satori’s hair is tickling his cheek and the way his chin is digging into Ushijima’s neck. Tendou’s covering him like a weird loudmouthed blanket, ranting on and on about whatever’s bothering him at the moment. Ushijima’s feeling like his brain functions are being muted by a cloud of peach scented hair gel, causing him to stare at the picture in front of him for several seconds before noticing…

“Is that Oikawa?” The glossy pages laying on his lap turned out to be the local volleyball magazine of Miyagi.

“YES! Look at all this shit they’re saying about him? Why does he have such a long article? ‘he likes milk bread.’” Tendou scoffs.

Ushijima’s attention fades away when he feels a tell-tale scratch at the end of his trachea. He starts to slowly push Tendou away, but the other seems glued to his back, completely ignoring his efforts. “Who even gives a single _shit_? You’re the best captain! And we’re the strongest team of Miyagi! It should be you who’s in here instead of that-”

Ushijima’s harsh fit of coughs cuts off Tendou’s angry lecture. The weight lifting of his back doesn’t stop the way he convulses and chokes – tears streaming over his cheeks as a panicked Tendou looks on, until he finally feels the velvety leaves in his mouth and spits out a fully grown flower. He heaves a heavy breath while simultaneously trying to keep from vomiting.

Ushijima stretches a trembling hand out to his backpack and takes a handkerchief to wipe off his mouth, while he tries to calm his breathing again. He’s so used to the breathing exercises by now that he calms down in less than two minutes – even though his throat feels like he coughed up a small cactus instead of a flower.

“It’s sickening how routine that breathing thing looks.” Tendou’s voice is thin and sounds strangely hysterical. Ushijima blinks the stray tears from his eyes to get a better look at his friend. He’s a bit queasy from all the coughing, but Tendou looks even more nauseous than he is; white as a sheet, his lips trembling when they lock gazes.

Satori’s voice seems to burst out of him without his consent. “I’m _so_ sorry! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to! I mean… I knew that might happen and I _still_ did it and I’m _so_ -”

“What-”

Tendou’s mouth clicks shut at once. It would have been funny how quickly he shut up if it weren’t for the circumstances. Ushijima swallows, trying to appease his sore throat before trying to talk again.

“What do you mean, you _knew_ that might happen?”

And uncomfortable silence swallows the room, growing bigger and more stifling with every second the quiet goes on.

Tendou sucks in his cheeks, his posture tense. “Well. It’s not… like I really had to think about it…? I think even Goshiki might suspect something.”

“But…” Ushijima can do nothing but sputter as something ice-cold starts to seep into his limbs, numbing his senses.

Tendou can’t seem to keep his gaze fixed on one point. His eyes glide from Ushijima’s face to his hand, to the door, to the lockers.

“You… Don’t show a lot of emotion. Usually. And that’s perfectly fine – it really is. But… That means that when you _do_ , people will notice.”

Silence consumes them again. It’s like a fog is slowly encircling Wakatoshi’s mind. Of course he knows. It was stupid to expect he wouldn’t. Tendou always seems to know what he feels – even if he doesn’t always seem to know himself. Why should this have been any different?

“Actually, I… wanted to ask… What kind of flower is it anyway?” Tendou looks like he doesn’t want to hear what Ushijima’s about to respond, but he keeps his focus on the ace, posture still frozen.

“It’s… some sort of combination between a Lilium bulbiferum and a Stargazer Lilly.”

Tendou makes a weird sound. It’s almost like he breathes a laugh, but his eyes still have that resigned look when he gazes at Ushijima.

“No- no, I meant… I meant the meaning. Did you look it up? What kind is it? Does it fit… the intended?”

Ushijima frowns a bit, confused by the way Tendou is wording his question, but he answers nonetheless. The strength of emotion needed to evoke Hanahaki is enormous after all – maybe he just wants to distance himself from the way Ushijima is feeling. It’s not like there’s much hope it’ll be reciprocated anymore.

“Yes. The meaning fits perfectly.”

Tendou’s lips purse slightly, but he remains silent. Ushijima figures that he’s waiting for him to elaborate. “It’s actually quite a… beautiful translation, I think. The explanations I read said that it’s-”

He halts when Tendou raises his hand. “I’m sorry. I changed my mind.”

Ushijima feels strangely lost. Satori knows about his feelings, so now seemed like the time to explain everything. But if he can’t even manage to listen to the meaning of a flower, how will he listen to everything Ushijima still wants to say?

“Do you… not wish for me to say it out loud?”

“I’d rather you don’t, actually. I’m sorry Ushijima, I know I’m being rude, but it’s just a bit… It’s–” Tendou’s gaze flits everywhere – looking for someone to help him finish his sentence, but sadly enough his shoelaces don’t seem up for the challenge.

“Maybe another day, just… not now. Please…”

Ushijima reacts by grabbing his T-shirt again and finally pulling it on. It’s only after he’s tying his shoelaces that he says: “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable with my feelings. That wasn’t my intention, I just wanted to… tell you, I guess.”

“You know, I always want to listen to you– it’s just that now, for once, I’m not the right person… I think.”

Ushijima eyes him, confusing evident in his features. “Is there someone better?”

A humourless grin dances over Tendou’s lips. “Anyone else would have been a better fit.”

Well. That’s it then… It seems like he shouldn’t have spent that much time thinking about the way he was going to confess after all.

“I just thought that it would be better to share everything. It’s better to live regretting something you did, instead of regretting something that you never tried.” He’s turning to take his bag when Tendou replies: “Well. I choose to live without any regret at all, if possible.”

Ushijima doesn’t really think that that’s a fair statement – it’s impossible to live without any regret in this particular situation, but he decides to let it go. Tendou just looks so _tired_ and he doesn’t think letting the conversation drag on will change the outcome. He picks up the wet flower and the magazine, handing the latter to Satori.

It’s hard not to let the sting of hurt consume him at Satori’s glance of disgust at the items he’s holding. You could almost call it hostile. It’s not like Ushijima’s flowers ever did him any good, but they’re a physical manifestation of his love for Satori, and in the end he hoped that the other would at least have thought they were beautiful. He knows it was unrealistic to expect any other reaction than he one he just got, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

Satori resumes speaking after he’s thrown the crumpled magazine on top of Ushijima’s flower in the trash. “But… You’re right, in a way. Maybe it’ll make you feel better. You don’t know for sure until you say it out loud, so you could always try and see what happens. But if you tell someone something like that, you have to be prepared for their reaction too.”

“Are you? Prepared, I mean?”

Ushijima looks at Satori’s pale face, thinking. Is this some kind of second chance to confess? Satori said he could, after all, even if he seemed to say it all unwillingly. But is he? Prepared? Is he really?

Is it still worth it? Is it worth confessing and lifting the weight off his shoulders when he’s making Satori feel so uncomfortable? Wouldn’t that just be him shifting his burden onto the shoulders of his crush?

“I don’t want to seem inconsiderate by telling you to keep those things to yourself. I just don’t want you to be any more hurt than is absolutely necessary.”

Those last few words are what do Ushijima in. It’s been decided; it would be unfair to force Tendou to listen to things he doesn’t want to hear – especially if rejecting Ushijima would cause him to feel even more guilty or generally bad than he seems to do already. He has to do this for _Satori_ , he deserves to feel better – especially after everything they’ve been through the last few days.

He turns and walks to the door, holding it open for Satori.

“Let’s go then.”

Satori smiles. It’s a sad smile, and it doesn’t really reach his eyes, but it’s a step forward from the way he looked earlier and that’s all that matters.

* * *

It feels like he’s only lain down for 30 seconds before there’s a knock on the door. Ushijima grimaces when he gets up from his covers. Normally it wouldn’t be that bad to just get up and open the door, but this first day of matches has been a pain – especially since his illness is starting to affect his breathing patterns during sports too. It’s not that he has to cough all the time, it’s more like a general feeling of reduced lung capacity. He’s still able to give it his all, but he’s less collected than he used to be. He opens the door mid-knock, not surprised at all by the smile that greets him.

“Good evening Satori.”

“~Wakatoshi~kuuuun, that took longer than usual! You always open the door right after the first knock – I was starting to wonder if you slept next to it or something. Did you not receive my message~?”

Ushijima had, in fact, received Satori’s text message that told him “he’d come by around 7 to ‘feed their child’”, but he’d been too drained of energy to do anything expect for just sitting there and staring at the screen of his cell phone until it turned black.

“I did.”

“Ah~ and where’s Hayato?”

“Gaming with Goshiki.”

“~Right, right, I should have remembered~”

He nearly hits Ushijima in the face when he abruptly extends his arm in a dramatic fashion, only to show him…

“A peach?”

Satori grins at him. “~I know you didn’t have any for the last couple of days. I thought if might cheer you up~.”

Ushijima tries to smile as convincingly as possible in response to Tendou’s expectant look – not wanting to let wry thoughts soil the gesture. He leads Satori to the cupboard next to the sink, like they haven’t done this at least a dozen times before. Tendou is humming while he ducks to get the horridly pink watering can that stands in the back. His humming turns to mumbled singing when he reaches out to fill the can with water, paying special attention to fill it until the perfect limit is reached. Ushijima recognizes the tune, it’s the same song he was singing before the start of the matches today. He wonders if Satori would keep up singing to him, if he asked him to.

Ushijima’s pulled out of his musing by a cold finger poking his cheek. Satori gives an exaggerated bow, stretching his arm to let Ushijima pass first.

“~Please lead the way, dear fellow! our child is waiting~!”

“I don’t think plant life counts as offspring, Satori.”

Satori tuts. “~Don’t you speak like that! You’ll upset Satoshi~!”

Ushijima seriously doubts that his plant will mind that much, but he doesn’t argue. They repeat this conversation every week when Tendou comes over, a weird sort of ritual they have to pass before watering the plant Tendou’d gifted him as a celebratory gift when he was appointed captain.

Satoshi is standing on its own table, right next to the window. Ushijima watches as Satori carefully bends some of the leaves out of the way so he can divide the water over the soil in equal amounts, the same way he always does – not that it really matters. Ushijima has stopped wondering about the importance Satori puts on the both of them weekly watering the plant together – just accepting it as fact. Tendou comes around on uncertain times during the week too, chanting about the need to check up on the plant – even after all this time. Ushijima has the feeling it has more to do with Tendou’s need to talk about the newest episodes of the shounen manga he loves to read, but he doesn’t mind.

His gaze glides from Satori’s back to the pot the plant is nestled in. It’s covered in bright colours and adorned with little doodles on the side – the name that Satori gave the plant in bold characters on the front, but the part that attracts Ushijima’s attention the most is the haiku his friend has painted on the very edge of the flowerpot, surrounding the top of it in messy handwriting.

**_I understand now – the meaning of growing strong – because I met you_ **

He takes the watering can from Tendou when he’s done, drying it before putting it back in the cupboard. Normally, after watering Satoshi, Tendou would head straight back to his room (unless he was kicked out by Semi trying to help Shirabu with his homework). He’s still standing next to the plant when Ushijima turns around though, fingers slowly caressing one of the leaves curling around the edge of the pot. There’s a forced quality to the smile on this face, echoed in the way his voice sounds strained when he says: “You know, there’s still something I wanted to say before I leave. Ah… I just wanted to talk, I guess.”

Ushijima waits, not wanting to hear what is coming. He doesn’t think something good has ever followed those words and he doesn’t expect this to be the first time. He’s rooted to the spot, waiting with distant curiosity on what’ll come next.

“I- I want you to… Think! I mean– I _think_ you should…”, his voice fades away, apparently not knowing how to finish his thoughts. Tendou closes his eyes as he takes a deep breath, slowly exhaling before he opens them again and fixes Ushijima with a level gaze.

“I think you should do the surgery.”

Ushijima looks at the way little dust particles dance around Tendou’s face in the evening light and says nothing.

“It’s not really like there’s a question about what’s best to do now, is there? It won’t go away on its own. It’s been too long… You should ask the doctor to set a date when you go visit.” Tendou paused, his eyes flitting all over the room. “I’m sorry if I put it a bit bluntly. I know that you know this yourself, but it just felt bad, keeping it in, you know…” He finally looks at Ushijima again. “Why are you looking like that?”

Ushijima turns to look at the trees outside the dorms, branches swaying slowly in the breeze. It takes a while before he finds the power to answer.

“It’s nothing. I just… I think…” Ushijima pauses. “I guess it still feels a bit weird to have never… said everything? You don’t think I should… confess to the fullest extent? Like… about the flowers’ meaning and such? Before they’re gone?”

To his credit, Satori tries really hard to not let the disgust at the mention of the flowers show on his face (even though he fails miserably).

“You can. If you think you should. They’re your feelings, not mine – I won’t tell you what to do. I just think you should consider why you’d be saying it in the first place. If it changes things for you, you could, but I don’t…”

Ushijima digs his nails into his palms, trying to concentrate on the resolve he felt just a day ago. Tendou’s right, it doesn’t change anything. And he decided yesterday that Satori’s comfort came first, for once, didn’t he? Why is it so hard to honour his decision?

“Ushijima.” He looks up, startled by Tendou using his full name for once. “You know I’d never hurt you if I could help it, right?” Ushijima nods, signalling that he can continue. “But… I don’t see any way how this’ll ever turn out the way you hope it will.”

Well. There’s nothing he can say to that now, is there?

“I’ll ask her to make an appointment.”

Tendou darts forward, catching Ushijima in a one-armed hug for a couple of seconds before letting go. Relief starts to replace the disgust that was still lingering on his face.

“You’re not going through this alone. I- We’ll definitely save you from this!”

“~Okay, that may have sounded a bit dramatic… But it’s still true though~!”

Ushijima inclines his head slightly, trying to calm the storm of happiness and torment inside his chest. Any lingering doubts about Tendou leaving him over this have been forcefully wiped from his mind. Satori supports him, as always. No matter what happens between them, _this_ he will always be able to count on. It doesn’t sound like enough, yet somehow… it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even guess monsters can make mistakes, you know. Being smart and intuitive can bring their own difficulties :/
> 
> Anyway – I’M SO SORRY SATORI, I TRULY DIDN’T WANT TO HURT YOU! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!! I promise it’ll all end well!
> 
> * * * 
> 
> Talk Tendou to me! – You can do so in the comments or on [Tumblr](http://riseoftheplanetofthesnapes.tumblr.com/) & [Twitter](https://twitter.com/AsimiShadowborn)  
> (Other subjects are welcome too, though :p)


	3. Bloom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey!  
> Thank you so much to all of you who are reading this and wanted to share this story with me! ^^ It’s been a wonderful experience and I’m really glad that I finally have time to work on all the ideas I’ve been carrying around.  
> It feels kinda weird to finally post my last chapter, but I’ve been distracting myself by starting on the next story that I want to write. Please let me know what you thought! No matter how small the comment – feedback is what’ll get me to become a better writer in the future! :) 
> 
> Once again, I want to thank Kat ([AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/miracleboysatori/pseuds/miracleboysatori), [Tumblr](http://tendou-satori.tumblr.com/), [Art Tumblr](http://kat-doodles.tumblr.com/)) for letting me use her as an inspiration for Dr. Katayama. ^^ Please go check on her work – it’s wonderful!
> 
> * * * 
> 
> Every chapter in this fic is based on a specific song that plays a large part in the story. For the third chapter, this is [Pentagon – Shine (lyrics are provided in Korean and English under the clip)](https://colorcodedlyrics.com/2018/04/pentagon-shine-bichnali). 
> 
> If you want to know which dance moves I’ll be talking about in this chapter – please watch the refrain of shine. :p
> 
> I want to thank my [Miracle Babe and favorite Coffin Buddy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahthegirlwonder/pseuds/sarahthegirlwonder) for all the support I got when I’ve talked about my fics. Your enthusiasm about my different fic ideas has given me the energy to finally start on them. Also: I can’t thank you enough for sharing Pentagon with me! This song has directly influenced my writing – I hope you like it! 
> 
> * * * 
> 
> Visual for Ushi’s flowers: [Tumblr](http://riseoftheplanetofthesnapes.tumblr.com/post/183322112859/moodboard-for-my-hanahaki-fic) & [Twitter](https://twitter.com/AsimiShadowborn/status/1104162540169383942)
> 
> Edit: Hey folks! Just a small note I wanted to make; if you're someone who dislikes writing a comment on AO3 and who'd rather tweet about my fic, I really would love to read those threads - just @ me and I'll read them for sure! I've read one long thread about my Ushiten fic and One shorter one about my Kyouhaba work, which I almost didn't see bc I wasn't added. Reading thoughts on my work gives me a lot of energy and generally gets me super excited and happy ^^ - I don't mind if it's criticism either (as long as people remain polite) - so please, if you have any thoughts about my works; I don't mind where you post your comments, as long as I have a way to find out where they are ;) - thank you! 💜

Saturday morning came and went, the sun shining down sharply on the few souls who chose to sit outside for lunch, instead of watching the matches that were still ongoing in the gymnasium. Tendou had suggested they walk up the hill a little before sitting down, which meant that they now sat more secluded but still had a clear view on the gymnasium’s entrance. They ate in silence, which was a revelation in and of itself for someone who’s used to Satori’s companionship. The blocker hadn’t said anything, really, except for his question to have a more private place to lunch together. Ushijima didn’t push him. He knew Satori would talk when he wanted to. He was probably still processing the way their first match went.

Ushijima chewed on some rice while looking at the people down below. It was nice to be able to just look at people like this – showing interest without the expectation of forced conversation the moment you lock eyes with someone. He frowned in confusion, staring at the group that had just left the building. He assumed they were volleyball players from their jackets, but they were holding their body in such a weird way – he didn’t understand what they were- _oh_ … Ushijima looked down at his rice again, away from the crying players who must have lost their match. The fact that he knew that his team was the strongest didn’t mean he didn’t feel for the other players they went up against. It’s sad, in a way, but it is what it is. ‘ _Only the strongest survive on the court.’_ He repeated the mantra in his head as his eyes flitted around, looking for something to distract him from the people below. He turned when he saw something twitch, just outside of his peripheral vision. It turned out to be Satori’s elbow.

It was weird to see Satori… Still like this. Usually, even when he was calm and quiet, there would still be something… excited about him. But it seemed that even Satori could tire. Whatever it was that was bothering his friend had been leaving a larger impact each passing day. Ushijima was thinking hard about a way to ask what was going on when Tendou spoke, not even turning his head before saying:

“Could you please distract me with something?”

It’s kind of hard to distract someone if you don’t know what they want to be distracted from, but Ushijima tried anyway. It helped that there was something he’d been waiting to tell Tendou since that morning.

“My appointment with Dr. Takayama is scheduled for 9AM tomorrow.”

Tendou nodded, still looking forward as the shovelled more food into his mouth.

“I guess I’m lucky that it’s Hanahaki. I told the assistant what was wrong and got scheduled right away. I didn’t even need a guardian. Something about rights of secrecy of minors with emotional ill-“ He stopped when Tendou’s fist hit his right upper arm. The redhead struggled a bit while he tried to swallow all his food in one go, only to hiss out: “Don’t you say that!”

“Euh-“

“Don’t say that you were _lucky_. That’s just… ugh.”

“Well… Anyway– it’s… convenient that I don’t need someone’s permission to get the surgery done after all. Nobody will need to know about it.”

Tendou was looking at him strangely. Ushijima tried to read his facial expression as best as he could, but he couldn’t place it at all. The downside of having been Tendou’s friend for this long, is that he’s so used to Tendou just explaining everything he feels out loud that he’s had no experience trying to read him at all.  He’s never really had the need to before.

“You don’t want to… I mean– you just want to… Forget about it as soon as possible, or? You… won’t tell people? Not even our friends?”

Ushijima doesn’t understand where Tendou’s going with this. He’s told the person that matters most already, and was rejected. _Why_ should the others know about this? It won’t hurt anymore after he’s had the surgery done – trying to forget about it just seems like the best option.

“I told you, didn’t I?”

“Yes…? So? What does that matter? That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell the others?”

A wave of bitter annoyance seems to crawl through Ushijima’s veins. How can he say that? _What does it matter?_ Like anything has ever mattered as much as this, before? He knows Tendou doesn’t look at him the same way Ushijima does, but still. Why does he insist on sharing this information so much?

“It’s just, you told me I couldn’t tell anyone until after nationals, so I thought that afterwards I could-“

Ushijima’s eyes grow wide. _Really?_ That’s what it is? He just wants to, what? Gloat about it? He wants Ushijima to confirm everything, when he gossips about it to their friends? It sounds so unlike Tendou that Ushijima wracks his brain, checking if he hasn’t misheard, but no- he really did say it.

He wants the subject of their current conversation to end. Right now. Desperate to change the subject, he starts talking about the first thing that comes to mind.

“Why were you so out of it, today?”

He’s still so filled with bitterness that he doesn’t even feel guilty about the way Tendou winces as he turns to look forward again.

“No reason, really.”

“You didn’t even dance before the match?”

“Well I still sang, didn’t I? Not that it matters.”

Ushijima’s annoyance flows away at the small voice, changing into worry. He had sung, but even that had been lackluster.

“It matters.”

Tendou huffs out a laugh. “No one can even understand what I’m singing.”

“Well no, I can’t, since I don’t speak Korean. You could do it in Japanese too, if you want.”

Tendou shakes his head, his hair waving a little with the movement. Ushijima is lost for a second, thinking about the way he wishes to let the strands glide through his fingers. “Nobody wants to hear that. Truly – they don’t.”

“I’m sure the others would admit to being fond of your singing as well.” He pauses. “Well, except for Shirabu, perhaps, but he’s just… Shirabu.” Ushijima has a sense of accomplishment when Tendou starts to smile a little. He goes on: “it’s good for team morale, even if they whine about it sometimes. Being able to sing before a match shows that you don’t fear anything – that you’re the strongest.”

Satori’s smile widens. “Well, I can’t let my audience down, can I?” He gathers the rest of his food, getting ready to return to the others before they start preparing for the next match. Ushijima follows his example, wiping his hands on a napkin he brought, before Tendou’s rushed words make him halt his actions once more.

“Are you still willing to tell me about the meaning of those flowers?”

Ushijima turns as he responds: “I thought you didn’t want to know?”

“Yeah, well.” Tendou is staring at him unblinkingly. “Things change. It turns out I can’t get it out of my head. And I know you wanted to tell someone badly, so…”

Not just _someone_ , Ushijima thinks, but he doesn’t argue.

“You were quite adamant. Are you sure about this?”

A frown creases Tendou’s forehead at the words. His voice is clipped as he responds: “It’s eating me up inside. I guess it’s the curse of being inquisitive. Just tell me.” A flicker of doubt crosses Tendou’s features. “I mean, only if you still want to, that is? You know don’t _have_ to do it, right~?”

“I know.”

“This may sound a bit silly- but it turns out that I’m nervous to share this after all, even after my attempts to tell you before.”

“~It’s okay, you know? It’s just me…” Ushijima would have loved the way Tendou’s voice went soft if his words didn’t hurt so much at the same time.

“It means… I told you that it’s- some kind of combination, right? The flower doesn’t exist in real life. So… I’ve researched the meaning of the two flowers it seemed the closest to in appearance.” He gulps, forcing his breathing to a more natural level instead of the quick gasps that threaten to leave his mouth. His only saving grace is that he hasn’t felt the need to throw up flowers the entire 45 minutes they’ve been sitting on the hill. Tendou seems to think Ushijima needs some support, because he moves a bit closer – nodding encouragingly.

“The first one I looked up is supposed to fit someone with ambition – devoted and encouraging others when you happen to face difficult challenges.” Talking comes easier when he only has to repeat the explanations he read online. “The second one stands for passion and drive. It’s supposed to be something regal – fitting people who embrace their own power.”

Ushijima can honestly not think of any flower that could have fit Tendou better, fighting through obstacles just to be true to himself – whether it’s the way he blocks during volleyball or the way he talks to his friends and ignores those who laugh at him. He’s the kind of person who has everyone’s back, lifting their teammates up no matter the cost – appearing wherever he’s needed without asking for anything in return, except for them to do their best. A leader in the shadows, without the need of a title. Regal indeed.

Tendou seems to acknowledge this a true, at least. Because even though his face is carefully blank, he still says: “Yes. I do have to agree that that is a fitting description.”

He doesn’t return the small smile Ushijima shoots his way, but he figures that Satori didn’t see it while reaching to pick up his belongings.

*

In the end Tendou doesn’t sing at all before the match, but his blocking is so brutal their opponents nearly weep.

* * *

Trees rush by.

_Empty your head._

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

_It’s quiet. Or, as quiet as running on gravel can ever be._

He blinks his eyes quickly against the sunlight that’s reflecting off the building he’s moving past.

_Only three more to go._

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

_Wakatoshi knows he shouldn’t run here. The underground isn’t the best. But it’s loud, and that’s what matters.  
He needs the noise to guide him – to make sure he has something to concentrate on, something other than flaming hair and bronze freckles on pale skin._

No! Focus! Just focus, and-

Ushijima’s breath leaves him in harsh pants as he reaches the end of the path. Running between the greenhouses had been a nice change of pace, but it hadn’t cleared his mind as much as he’d hoped it would. He slows to a walk as his watch starts beeping.

Well, there’s one positive at least; he can still run the same distance he’s used to. He’s _not_ used to feeling this exhausted after his morning jogs, though. He checks his watch again. It’d be best to go back and shower – his bus leaves in 40 minutes.

* * *

Wakatoshi tries not to think too hard about what’s coming when he stands up from his seat and goes to exit the bus. He thanks the driver before stepping outside, looking around for a signpost or map that he can base himself off of. The bus had stopped a little to the left of the main entrance. Ushijima tries to not let paranoia overwhelm him as he walks to the front of the white building. It’s not like it’s illegal to enter a hospital. He could be here for hundreds of reasons.

Revolving doors give way to a large lobby. Ushijima hesitates, not quite sure where to head to next. He’d looked up the way to the hospital, but he doesn’t know what follows next. He must look as lost as he feels, because a smiling nurse points him to the check-in point without so much as speaking a word.

After finding the registration point, the rest isn’t all that hard. He uses the touchscreen to register himself as a patient and select the name of his doctor. Ushijima digs his earbuds out from his pocket while waiting patiently for the machine to spit his ID back out at him. The sounds of scanning shift to series of short beeps as a printed piece of paper slides out, together with his ID. He takes both of them and steps to the side, so a new visitor can use the machine to register.

The ejected note has been printed with the specific instructions to reach the waiting room. Checking the signs for the correct path, he sets off. Ushijima’s only been walking for about two minutes when he stops, distracted by the smell coming from his right. It turns out to be the hospital’s cafeteria. A glance at his cell phone tells him he still has 30 minutes before his appointment. Maybe food will calm him more than the music he’s listening to.

He takes his time choosing what sandwich and drink to buy, his left little finger tapping his leg in time with the beat in his ears. He’s so concentrated on the different kinds of orange juice available, that he doesn’t hear the polite cough next to him. Turning left after having picked the left bottle, he comes eye to eye with an annoyed woman. She gestures impatiently at the baby pram she’s trying to push forward, clearly indicating he’s in her way. Ushijima steps back hastily, almost colliding with a child who’s pouring coffee behind him. He turns to apologize, only to stare at the wavy red hair that covers the girl’s cyan coat. He vaguely registers that Tendou would probably like her jacket a lot, before realizing how creepy it is to just stand there and stare at the back of a random girl’s head. He checks his phone again while heading towards the register, his screen informing him that he still has 22 minutes left.

It turns out he didn’t have to hurry at all. After mentioning his name at the check-in desk of Block B, Ushijima’s guided to a waiting room. He’s been sitting there for almost an hour before a tired-looking nurse with a black ponytail and a stubble comes to fetch him and walks him to a door with the nameplate “A. Katayama”. He’s instructed to change into a hospital gown in a basic changing room – separated from the doctor’s office by a curtain. The nurse then escorts him out again, through a door on the other side of the room this time.

Ushijima’s sits down on the chair he’s been offered while he listens to the nurse break down the process. His voice is dry but not unfriendly. He gives Ushijima a pen and two lists of questions he needs to answer, all the while explaining the way they’ll take some scans of Wakatoshi’s chest afterward. The nurse moves around the room while Ushijima quickly fills in the Hanahaki questionnaire. He thanks Wakatoshi when he’s offered back the pages, handing him a pair of yellow goggles before taking a pair for himself. After pulling the goggles over his eyes, Ushijima is placed in front of a large scanner, the bored voice of the nurse summarizing the way the pictures will be taken. Ushijima hums his agreement and steps forward when the nurse asks him to touch his chest to the screen.

“Look straight forward now. You can rest your chin on top of the– Yes, that’s good. This will only take a second.”

After the scanning they return to the doctor’s office, where Ushijima receives one of the questionnaires from earlier and gets told the doctor will return in a couple of minutes. He changes back into his clothes while the nurse leaves to go assist another patient.

* * *

Ushijima’s reread the Hanahaki questionnaire three times and has stared at the one lone painting for 7 minutes before someone enters again. Ushijima’s glad for what Shirabu calls ‘his natural deadpan expression’ when he recognizes the woman who walks in. It’s coffee-girl. Her hair is in a ponytail now, but there’s no way he wouldn’t recognize those red locks, even after only having seen them for a couple of seconds. The colour is a touch darker than Tendou’s, but it’s just as eye-catching. She smiles as she puts the folder she was holding down on her desk, before bending forward to shake his hand with a wide smile.

Even though it’s obvious that she isn’t native Japanese, her speech is fluent when she says: “Mr. Ushijima. I’m Katayama Akari – I’m sorry for the wait, I had to consult my colleague on something before my return.”

Ushijima’s first thought is amazement at the fact that he’s still taller than Dr. Katayama, even when sitting down. She takes a seat behind her desk, opening the file in front of her. His second thought is that it’s probably rude he didn’t answer her apology, but she doesn’t seem to mind his silence, going on by asking: “would it be alright if I ask you a couple of questions before we go over your pictures together?”

Ushijima nods his head, waiting for her to continue. She proceeds to give him a basic explanation about the usual prognosis of the disease and asks him some questions about his symptoms and the amount of flowers he’s producing. He shows her a picture of one of his flowers on his phone while she takes notes.

“Your lily is quite the rare Hanahaki, I must say. Hanahaki transfers the image of the flowers it creates to a smaller size before appearing, but still: most Hanahaki’s represent smaller flowers.”

Ushijima says nothing. He doesn’t want to think about having to cough up _real size_ lilies.

“Let’s take a look at your pictures now, shall we.”

Dr. Katayama shuffles her papers around a bit before pulling out two scans. She smiles reassuringly as she lays them in front of Ushijima to show him. Ushijima is reluctant to look down. His stomach lurches and he suddenly regrets buying the sandwich earlier. He doesn’t know why looking down at the pictures seems so daunting, but moving his head down seems impossible at the moment.

“… Shall I explain my findings?”

Dr. Katayama’s stare bores through him as she makes eye contact over the edge of her black-rimmed glasses. Her eyes are as bright as her hair; blue instead of red.

Wakatoshi slowly moves his gaze downward. He almost expects his neck to make a creaking sound, like an old wooden door that hasn’t been opened in a long time, but he hears nothing except the blood rushing in his ears.

The scan doesn’t really make things clearer, though. Ushijima can see the outline of his lungs and his spine, but the rest isn’t all that easy to interpret. He doesn’t know what he expected, exactly, but it wasn’t white blobs scattered over the scan. A neon coloured pen taps one of the larger white spots.

“This is it. Your Hanahaki. And here, and here.” She taps on several of the other larger spots.

“Hanahaki usually starts in one place and then continues to scatter until most of the lung tissue is contaminated.”

She takes the other scan and places it next to the first one. Pointing out the same spots as before, she continues to describe how big the growths are and why their prevalence is important.

“By the amount of metastases – these secondary growths here – and their size, I reckon that you have reached the fourth stage. Do you remember what that entails, Mr. Ushijima?”

Ushijima nods stiffly.

There’s a brief pause. Ushijima is grateful that she gives him a moment to take all this in. His brain feels strangely separate from his body at the moment. He knows that what she’s telling him is serious, but the knowledge doesn’t make him feel anything but numb.

“If I may – I do wonder why you have waited this long to book a consultation at our hospital? You’ve left that part blank on your checklist?”

Ushijima is startled from his reverie. “Oh. My… The flowers only showed up recently.”

Dr. Katayama’s smile melts away, being replaced with a frown. “How ‘recent’ are we talking about? Do you recall the date your flowers first appeared?” She studies hem carefully while he tells her about the karaoke night and what happened after.

“How sure are you about the timing? Do you remember having a cough or any other kind of illness in the weeks leading up to that night?”

Ushijima shakes his head. “I rarely get ill. I would have remembered.”

Dr. Katayma leans back in her chair, her face pensive. “You know, I’ve been doing this for a couple of years now, my internship included, and I have met few people with a Hanahaki as quickly developed as yours. The flowers grow at the same rate that the brain takes in your affections for the intended. I’ve only encountered accelerations like yours in people that recently went through a trauma or shocking event. Has any such event taken place recently?”

Ushijima almost snorts, but he stops himself just in time. He shakes his head again. “Not to my knowledge, no.”

Having a friend point out to you that you’re in love with your best friend probably isn’t what she means. He decides to tell her about the conversation with Semi anyway. It’s probably best to be as honest as possible, even though a throwback to that conversation isn’t very helpful to him at the moment.

“Another possibility is suddenly being reunited with your loved one after a period of solitude. It can resort to a rush of built-up emotion that was already there, but wasn’t really processed because the trigger of talking to or seeing the person was absent.”

“I see him every day. We’re in the same school.”

Dr. Katayama clicks her pen while she goes through the documents in her folder. Ushijima wished she’d stop.

The clicking ends when she fishes out the other form of the questionnaire he had to fill in. She keeps talking while her eyes scan the paper. “When was your last attack?”

“Yesterday.” Looking back, the victory hug they’d shared after the last match might not have been one of Wakatoshi’s brightest ideas.

The doctor hums, curling a lock of her hair around her finger as she finishes rereading the questionnaire. She puts the list back in the folder and puts her hands on her desk, interlacing her fingers.

“Have you confessed to your intended, or are you planning to do so?”

Ushijima tenses. “I have.”

Dr. Katayama looks him straight in the eyes and says nothing. She appears to be waiting for something. Ushijima swallows uncomfortably at the intensity of her gaze, and looks away, his eyes landing on the scans instead.

“I’ve tried to, at least.” He chews on the inside of his cheek, remembering Tendou’s expression the few times they talked about his flowers. “He knows.”

Dr. Katayama clears her throat. “Mr. Ushijima. We’re a hospital, and our main expertise is centered around the physical aspects of Hanahaki. But that doesn’t mean we’re not knowledgeable about the emotional facets of the illness. Previous research has taught us that people… handle things far better when they’ve confessed everything they want to say. Especially since interpersonal contact will have to decline once the surgery’s been completed. Uncertainty in wording can lead to unnecessary hurt for all parties.”

Time comes to a standstill. He’d been so focused on hiding the flowers that he’d lost sight on what would come after.

“Does that mean I can’t see him anymore? After the surgery?”

“No. No, it does not. But we would advise keeping contact between you two to a minimum. Hanahaki _can_ regrow and the surgery is not an easy one. While it’s perfectly possible to eliminate the illness from your body, you _cannot_ lose sight of the fact that it’s best not to meddle with the human body too much. You would need a recovery period each time, and surgery and anaesthesia are never without risk, no matter how capable your doctors are. Then again – there have been instances where ex-patients fully lose their romantic feelings towards the other and can see them again regularly.”

“The good news is that even though your Hanahaki is progressing rapidly, the plant hasn’t fully woven itself into your lung tissue yet. This will make surgery a lot easier and it’ll carry fewer risks. Hanahaki _does_ deepen, the more time passes, and it will keep nestling itself in deeper the longer we wait to interfere. The way you answered the questionnaire and the explanation you gave me earlier make me suspect that your Hanahaki has developed steadily without you knowing. Hanahaki can only truly make an appearance once the carrier is aware of their feelings for the other person, after all. Without that awareness, growing Hanahaki is impossible. The danger of this origin lies in the fact that we now do not have a timeline we can follow, to estimate how the rest of your Hanahaki development will go. We’re lacking the kind of oversight we have with most of our other patients. Because of your particular situation, I have to recommend that you schedule the surgery as soon as possible.”

Ushijima nods. The things she’s saying don’t surprise him. He knew this was going to happen, so why does he feel so empty?

“Our policy demands that we let people think everything through for at least 48 hours, to ensure that you do not make a hasty decision. Since your case differs from most, I’d recommend you wait a week at maximum before making a decision and scheduling a removal date for the flowers, if you decide you want one. Otherwise it might get too dangerous, since your Hanahaki doesn’t follow a regular progression curve.”

* * *

Ushijima doesn’t remember how he got back to the dorms, his mind so encompassed by everything Dr. Katayama told him that he didn’t have the energy to focus on anything else. He _does_ remember to tell Tendou about her jacket, when the middle blocker barges through his front door - ready to needle every possible snippet of information about the doctor’s appointment out of him.

It’s nice to watch Tendou collapse on the bed in a fit of laughter, when he tells him how he ‘met’ Akari Takayama in the cafeteria. It’s almost enough to dispel the nausea that has settled low into the pit of his stomach after the consultation.

Almost.

* * *

“I’m kind of proud of you, you know?”

Ushijima’s shoulders twitch upwards, startled by Semi’s sudden arrival. He hums in response. Pride… It used to be important to him, but now… He doesn’t know what he’s done recently that would make him deserving of those words. He keeps his eyes locked onto Satori, standing at the other end of their changing room and trying to teach Goshiki the dance moves to the song he’d been singing. He recognizes the movements, even without the music. Tendou’s been doing this dance for a couple of weeks now – as a way to fire up before the match, and sometimes just for fun whenever he visited Wakatoshi’s room. He’d been listening to the song on repeat during the bus ride this morning, offering to share his earphones with Ushijima. Wakatoshi watches as Goshiki tries to sync his movements with Tendou’s. They look utterly ridiculous.

It’s adorable.

“I must say- I didn’t expect you to act. More than just mending your friendship, I mean.” The sentence makes Ushijima finally tear his gaze away from the middle blocker.

“I am afraid I’m not entirely sure what you mean.”

Semi smiles conspiratorially at him. “Satori’s been… Better, the last few days. He seemed relieved when he arrived at our dorm, and I know that he went to visit you, so-”

“He did.”

“-I think it’s a good thing that you told him. That’s all I wanted to say.”

Cold spreads from Ushijima’s bones, curling around his intestines and turning them to ice. ‘ _How much did Semi know? Did Satori tell him about the flowers? He wouldn’t, would he? He promised- And if Semi knows, who else does? Has it reached the coach already?’_

“What did he tell you? Exactly.”

Semi’s smile falters at the look on his face. “What do you mean?” He goes on before Wakatoshi can react. “It’s just- he came back and he looked far more at ease than before, and I asked – jokingly, I might add – if you guys finally had _the talk_ and-” The ice seems to have reached Ushijima’s eyes – Semi’s already fast speech turning to babbling as he tries to explain himself as fast as possible. “-he asked if I knew, and I said ‘yes’ and then he admitted that you told him about your crush but that he promised not to talk about it. And that was it.”

Ushijima gives a little nod, turning to look at Tendou and Goshiki again. He feels more than sees Semi slumping down beside him. “You know, Wakatoshi, it’s okay to be intimidating on the court, but can you please not do it here, to me? You should have seen your stare. Like you thought we’d been laughing at you or something. You know I wouldn’t do that, right? And Satori wouldn’t either.”

“My apologies.” 

“Yes, yes.” Semi’s dismissive hand gestures almost hits him in the face. Wakatoshi decides not to comment on it. “Go be a useful captain and save us from those dance moves before coach blows a fuse again.”

* * *

“~You should try to break his fingers when you shake hands~”, Satori’s breathes into his ear, as they watch Oikawa Tooru jog into the gym under loud cheering. He shakes hands with his coaches and manager before taking place on the court.

“I don’t think that would be very sportsmanlike.”

Satori scoffs, turning away from the other Seijoh players who are following their captain onto the court when their name gets called.

“It’s meaningless. Making opponents hold hands is something you do in kindergarten, not here.”

Ushijima cocks his head, surprised by the bitterness in Satori’s voice.

“It’s never seemed to bother you before?”

Satori remains silent as they watch Seijoh’s spiky-haired ace take place behind Oikawa.

“We’re gonna destroy them~.” He cracks his knuckles before continuing: “We should, you know~. It’ll look good for the scouts.”

Ushijima’s mouth twitches, but the reaction doesn’t satisfy Tendou – his voice lowering even more as he says: “~Let’s go break their spirits, Wakatoshi~kun.”

Ushijima glances at Tendou as the speakers start to announce his arrival to the public, a small smile on his face.

“Yes. Let’s.”

* * *

Wakatoshi supposes he should be thankful for his love for volleyball. His drive and adoration for the sport are the only reason he can force himself to look away from Tendou during the game. Even so – it’s hard not to look as the redhead seems to fly, jumping up to kill a spike before it’s even passed the net.

Wakatoshi knows this match is important and that it’s all he should focus on, but the warm encouragement Tendou shows to their teammates, and his terrifying aura towards their opponents, make something warm swirl in his chest. He tries his best to swallow it down.

Things get too close for comfort when Tendou stops a pink haired spiker and sneers at Oikawa through the net. His whole body copies the stance the setter had used only a minute before, when he was taunting them after a successful dump. There’s nothing condescending about Oikawa’s face now – only rage filling his features as he glowers up at Tendou.

“~If only your spikers could hit through blocks like _our_ ace can~”

Ushijima can hear Kenjirou’s soft voice next to him, as they look at Oikawa’s seething face. “He’s such an asshole… it’s great!”

Pride mixed with laughter swells in his chest – up and up and… He stiffens as he feels the tell-tale tickle at the back of his throat. The next three minutes are hell. They only need to score two more points before they’ll have a short break. Ushijima uses every bit of self-control to repress his coughs. He half walks, half runs off the court when the buzzer sounds, blinking away the tears in his eyes and trying to keep silent until he’s reached the bathroom. He’s spitting out the last petals when someone knocks on his door and he stiffens in panic.

“Are you alright in there?”, a gruff voice asks. “You should go to the nurse if you’re sick. I believe they have an office in the west block.”

Ushijima wills his hands to stop trembling as he gets up and flushes the toilet one last time, before turning and reaching for the doorknob.

“It’s okay, I’m-” His voice cuts off abruptly when he swings the door open and comes face to face with Iwaizumi Hajime. The other boy’s expression changes from worry, to shock, to distaste – his eyes narrowing as he sidesteps Ushijima to let him through, giving just the tiniest nod. Ushijima can feel the ace’s eyes following him as he exits the bathroom.

* * *

He triples his efforts to not look at Tendou for the rest of the game, but it doesn’t help much. He has to spend the end of the fourth and the whole of the fifth set with flowers silently tormenting him at the back of his throat. He keeps up with this tactic when they thank the public and shake hands with Aoba Johsai’s players. They played well, but Ushijima doesn’t tell them so – he’s learned from previous experience that his words don’t always come across the way he means them to. He allows himself to relax as he listens to coach Washijo.

In the end, that decision is what does him in. He’d been distracted for less than two seconds, but when he turns – there he is: Tendou’s standing right in front of him. The tears in his eyes match his elated grin – ecstatic that they’re heading to nationals once again.

For a second, nothing happens. But then Satori’s gaze shifts to look him right in the eyes, and everything goes downhill from there. He hazily registers Tendou’s panicked face as his legs start to give out, still focusing all his willpower to not vomit a shit ton of flowers where everyone can see him. Two pairs of hands grab him, and his arms are guided over two strong backs as whoever-they-are guide him away from their side of the court. Ushijima keeps his eyes forced shut and tries to breathe through his nose, the taste of flower petals sickening on his tongue.

He reopens his eyes when the person to his right kicks in a door, the three of them stumbling inside. Ushijima’s put against the wall of a small private dressing room – probably meant for coaches or important guests. He turns away from the door and starts heaving, only half aware of Satori pushing a worried Semi out of the room.

The door slams shut and cold hands turn his face – forcing him to look at Tendou. The anxiety in his expression is a total juxtaposition to the elation of only minutes before.

“What is happening?! You said you still had time?!” Ushijima’s never heard him sound like this before. He tries to answer, but the flowers are coming too quickly to form words.

“This is too much, Ushijima. It isn’t normal! You _have_ to tell him, it’s too dangerous.” Tendou’s panicked face turns from left to right, almost like he’s confused why no one has appeared from thin air yet, ready to help them. “I read about this. Confessing should give you a couple hours of rest, even if he refuses to-” Ushijima doesn’t understand what Tendou’s talking about at all, but he still can’t force out his voice, too busy trying to regain his breath.

“Yes! Yes- I’ll get him, just. Just stay here! I’ll be right back, I promise!”

A flash of panic burns through Ushijima. He doesn’t want to be alone. He weakly moves to grab Tendou’s wrist, but he’s too slow and Tendou slips away. Coughs wrack his body as the middle blocker scrambles up and runs to the entryway. He gives a quick shout over his shoulder as the door swings open: “I’ll be right back! I promise! Then you _will_ tell him, whether you want to or not – I’ll make sure you get through this”.

The door slams shut, leaving Wakatoshi alone with his desperation and a rapidly growing pile of flowers.

* * *

It sometimes feels like his flowers are sentient.

The pressure on Ushijima’s throat lessens only seconds after Tendou’s left the room. It still takes him more than a minute before the flow of blossoms stops, more or less – a lonely petal appearing whenever he hiccups or tries to inhale too deeply.

Ushijima leans back against the wall, trying to level his breathing. He makes a stubborn attempt to clear the flowers from his sight – wiping them from his legs, but even the simple act of lifting his hand is exhausting. It feels like ages have passed before he’s finally removed the last petal from his thigh, covering the heap of flowers with the team jacket Tendou left behind when he ran out.

Now that his airflow has cleared and he can finally concentrate on something other than not choking to death, his confusion returns tenfold. He doesn’t understand what has happened in the last few minutes _at all_. The only logical conclusion would be that Tendou believes there’s someone else in the building could help with his Hanahaki, but that makes no sense whatsoever. The only person that can alleviate your symptoms is the person you’re in love with, and Tendou has left him behind.

It takes another four minutes before he can hear running footsteps, followed by some weird scuffling sounds in front of the door. Ushijima slowly lets his head roll sideways from where it was resting against the wall, focusing on the door.

“Come _on_!” That’s Tendou for sure. His voice is muffled, but Wakatoshi is certain that he’s the one who’s causing the scuffling sounds. Another pair of footsteps can be heard now, approaching in a slow jog.

The door bursts open and a body is practically thrown in there, stumbling to the side as Tendou reaches for the handle to close the door again. Ushijima can only look at Satori, wanting to speak to him as soon as possible, before the flowers come back with a vengeance.

“Sa-!” The door slams shut again. Ushijima doesn’t understand – nothing makes sense anymore.

“What the _fuck_ is going on.” The voice is too loud to come from inside his head, even though it expressed his thoughts perfectly. Then again, Ushijima doesn’t think he’s ever spoken with a tone as cold as that one.

He turns his head to look at the other person in the room for the first time, his mouth dropping open.

 _Oikawa Tooru_ stands in front of him, wearing a mauve T-shirt while still in the shorts he wore during the game. Dried tear tracks tint his eyes and cheeks an angry rose colour, his arms crossed so tight over his chest that his muscles are bulging. Ushijima processes none of those facts, his mind wiped clean at the random appearance of his nemesis.

“What are you doing here?”

“What do you _MEAN_ what am I doing here?! Shouldn’t _you_ know that?”

“I don’t-”

“Your crying redhead just stormed in and tried to drag me with him, shouting about you dying and-” Analytical eyes glide over the way Ushijima’s slumped against the wall. “I only followed because Haj-, Iwaizumi said you were puking your guts out earlier. And maybe also a little because that sounded like an event I shouldn’t miss.”

Ushijima says nothing, his brain trying to connect the dots as to why Tendou had brought him _Oikawa_ of all people.

“ _Stop_ doing that!” Ushijima startles, surprised by Oikawa shout. He’s looking at him with apprehension mixed in with his anger. “What are you doing? Why are you just… laying there like that? Is this a trick? You-”

“Oikawa-” Just hearing Ushijima’s voice seems to refuel the fury in the setter.

“What am I _doing_ here?” Something clicks in Wakatoshi’s brain at the question. There’s only one explanation, really.

“He was mistaken. You can’t help me with this.” Ushijima’s voice is rough from all the coughing earlier, but it was loud enough to be heard.

Oikawa seems 0.1 seconds away from exploding. “WHAT-”

Ushijima lifts Tendou’s jacket, revealing the pile of flowers next to him. Actions have always spoken louder than words, as far as he’s concerned.

Oikawa’s shout is cut off mid-sentence. He gapes at the flowers.

“What are those doing here, where did they-” He looks at Ushijima again, understanding washing over his features. He wasn’t the brightest setter in Sendai for nothing.

Ushijima watches as Oikawa’s expression changes from shocked, to disgusted, to horrified. He seems to get more and more anxious as the seconds go by, taking an automatic step to the left, away from the flowers.

“Are those yours? Do you have…”

Ushijima nods.

Oikawa laughs, almost hysterically. “Well would you look at that!? You _do_ have feelings after all.” His voice is shrill and ugly.

Oikawa’s eyes flit to Ushijima’s listless face before shooting back to the heap of flowers, like he can’t stop himself from looking. He bends forward, staring intensely at the red leaves while retaining his distance. His eyes widen.

“Why are they so- Are those _full-grown_?!”

“Not all of them.”

“What the _fuck_ , Ushiwaka?! How long have you been like this?!”

Ushijima doesn’t know if the other truly wants to know the answer, but since he was asked, he decides to answer anyway. “About two weeks.”

“You’re lying.” Oikawa’s response is curt and immediate. “It takes at least a year for Hanahaki to produce full-grown flowers – the branches are too weak to create complete sets in the first 14 months.”

“I have no reason to lie.” Ushijima waits as Oikawa narrows his eyes, staring at Ushijima like he’s trying to read his mind through his eyes. Whatever he sees there causes his earlier horrified gaze to slowly turn apprehensive, something like worry colouring his voice as he speaks again. “But they shouldn’t be this big? Why haven’t you-” He cuts himself off for the umpteenth time, staring into nothing. “Wait, is _that_ why I’m here? Who told you?!”

Ushijima’s getting fed up with all this, irritation serving as fuel when he pushes himself more upright. “How do you know so much about this?”

Oikawa drags a hand over his face, resting it over his eyes for a couple of seconds before pulling away. It’s like his hand’s removed all emotion from his gaze with the movement, his eyes as empty as his voice when he starts to talk again. “They shouldn’t be this well-developed. That means you’ve been waiting too long. When I was ill, my friends forced me to confess before their size were half this big, because it became too dangerous.” Ushijima breathes in deeply when Oikawa stops talking, lost in his memories. This must be why Tendou went to get him. He doesn’t know how Satori found out about Oikawa’s illness, but it makes much more sense than believing that Wakatoshi has a crush on Oikawa.

Whatever moment Oikawa is remembering appears to trigger something in his mind, and Ushijima nearly slams his head into the wall when the setter suddenly shouts in his face. “ARE YOU STUPID?! Why would you wait? Even someone as thick-headed as you should’ve realized that already, right?! You have to confess _now_! Even if they say no – the flowers should be maintained for a couple of days and you can get surgery.”

“I already did.”

“You should- What?” Oikawa stops, shocked to a standstill. “You clearly haven’t done the surgery? And that’s why you brought me here, right? To ask about it? But I can’t help you. My… He accepted it. The flowers. And everything else. So you truly should-”

Ushijima interrupts him again, annoyed that Oikawa doesn’t understand what he means. Satori probably would have known before he finished half of his sentence. “I already confessed. Tendou was wrong. He shouldn’t have brought you here, you can’t help me. And-” He lifts his fingers to stop Oikawa when the other opens his mouth, wanting to finish his thoughts first. “It doesn’t matter. The surgery is scheduled for the day after tomorrow. I’ll survive. It just… hurts. At the moment.”

Oikawa looks even more bewildered than when he first entered the room. “What do you mean you confessed already? You can’t have? Or maybe you did it wrong? Yes, that must be it! _Of course_ you did it wrong. Just try again and-”

“Don’t mock me.” Ushijima voice is quiet in his anger. If Oikawa senses it, he’s not impressed in the slightest. “Try again. I’m sure about this.” Ushijima doesn’t get why he’s this insistent. “And how would that help me? It would just strain our friendship even more.”

Oikawa’s brow twitches like he’s keeping himself from rolling his eyes at the statement. "I would risk it, if I were you. I'll go get him right away – don't move." Oikawa is already hurrying away by the time Ushijima figures out what's wrong with that sentence.

"I didn’t even tell you who-”

Oikawa doesn't turn to answer when he starts pulling the door open, his drawl only registering when the door's already falling shut. "I may wear glasses, but I'm not completely blind, you know.”

* * *

Ushijima has barely any time to collect his thoughts before the door opens again and Oikawa enters, followed by Tendou. His face is white as a sheet, but colour starts to rush back to his cheeks when Oikawa pushes his shoulder down until he’s in some kind of squad in front of Ushijima. Wakatoshi guesses that the other boy only went down this quickly because his legs were trembling.

He looks away from Satori when Oikawa says: “Explain everything CLEARLY this time. I can’t defeat you when you’re dead.” Tendou’s previously pale face is almost matching his hair by now. Ushijima can’t tell if it’s because of fear or anger. He starts talking the second Oikawa shuts up. “He told me you weren’t dying? So that means your confession was received, right? I think you should go back to that doctor to confirm if-”

Ushijima wonders if he’ll ever feel anything but confusion again. “I didn’t confess to Oikawa?”

Tendou starts shouting before Wakatoshi can get out another word, the door closing with a click when Oikawa exits. “Ushijima, _WHAT ARE YOU DOING_?! Why did you make him leave?!” His already large eyes grow even larger, widening in his panic. Trembling hands grab Ushijima’s shoulders as Tendou shakes him back and forth. “ _Don’t you understand?!_ ” There’s no time to wait any longer – you _have_ to tell him! Hanahaki isn’t volleyball, ‘Toshi, you can’t win this by force!”

Wakatoshi is stunned into silence as he stares at his friend. He’s never seen Tendou so out of his mind.

“We-… I want-… Your friends needs you! What the actual-…? Are you _listening_ , Toshi?!” Wakatoshi’s mind reels. So he _did_ think it was all about Oikawa after all? But-…?

The shaking resumes. “We can't lose you! And I can't believe you’d rather-… I-”

Tendou seems to remember himself. A fraction of a second there is silence, and then he changes tactics. "The team can't go on without you! We need our ace, of course." Tendou's voice sounds shriller by the second. "~Ah- who am I kidding? Like that shit matters at all?! But maybe it matters enough for you that you’ll reconsider? So, quickly! Quick! I can get him back, I will-"

Tendou makes a movement to stand, but Ushijima grabs his wrist and pulls. He won’t let him escape his grasp a second time. This has gone on for way too long.

Tendou’s thrown off balance, awkwardly falling back to the floor due to Wakatoshi’s force. His head knocks into Ushijima’s shoulder as his knee hits the floor with a thump. Wakatoshi can’t see anything – his field of vision filled with red and the comforting smell that follows him in his dreams.

“You smell like peaches.”

“I-… What?”

Wakatoshi offers a resigned smile. “That’s how I figured it out, you know. Or – Semi did, I guess. That’s the reason I eat so many of them.”

“The peaches”, he clarifies, as Tendou shoots him a puzzled look. “I like them because they smell comforting. Like you.”

Tendou closes his eyes, clearly straining to not lose his patience. “That’s very… nice Wakatoshi, but I don’t think that matters at the moment. You should focus on confessing, not my hair products.”

This time it’s Wakatoshi who has to restrain himself from shaking his companion. It’s not _that_ hard to understand, is it? Granted, this conversation is nothing like the carefully prepared speeches he’d thought up during his morning jogs, but still… Maybe it’s better this way though. Indirect wording and hidden meanings are more of Satori’s forte, not his. He’s always gone for brute force and straightforward honesty, in everything he does. This should be no different.

“I like you.”

If there’s one thing he hadn’t counted on, it’s Tendou’s lack of reaction. Something’s _very_ wrong. Whatever his mood – Tendou always has something to say; if not with words, then with his expression. Wakatoshi is unfamiliar with the guarded look he’s on the receiving end of.

“I don’t understand…? That’s not funny, Wakatoshi.”

“I wouldn’t joke about this.”

“So… So you don’t like Oikawa? He’s not…?”

“I like _you_ , Satori.”

“But…” Wakatoshi can see little cracks in the emotionless mask Tendou is trying to hide behind – a lost confusion creeping into his voice. “But I checked? You reacted to his picture and-?” Wakatoshi shakes his head, but Tendou goes on regardless. “-the meaning of the flowers – it was perfect, wasn’t it?”

“It was. It still is, but not for Oikawa.”

Tendou’s face relaxes – the pinched corners of his lips smoothing out and his frown disappearing while he slowly accepts what he’s being told. Ushijima doesn’t want there to be any doubt about this.

“I’m only yours. I don’t care about other people.”

An awkward choking sound emerges from where Tendou has hidden his face in his arms. It sounds like a weird mix between crying and laughing.

“How can you _say_ things like that with such a straight face?!”

Wakatoshi’s thoughts are going 100 miles per hour, hope rising so quickly it’s almost as suffocating as his Hanahaki attacks. If Tendou truly thought he was talking about Oikawa, then this is his first confession – in Tendou’s mind at least. And he hasn’t shown any negative reaction at the moment, so then… Maybe they could still…?

Wakatoshi startles when something soft grazes his cheek. He was so lost in thought that he didn’t notice Tendou moving forward, his face only a couple of centimetres from Wakatoshi’s.

“What are you doing?”

Tendou leans back, a flush high in his cheeks.

“Huh? I-? Isn’t… isn’t this what you do afterwards? After a confession? I thought you wanted this?”

Ushijima’s throat goes dry and he has to swallow several times before answering. “Well… I’m definitely not opposed… in theory. But I’d rather you only kiss me if you feel the same way.”

The red hue spreads from Tendou’s cheeks, dusting the bridge of his nose as well as his ears as he gapes at Ushijima in exasperation.

“What do you mean, ‘ _if you feel the same way_ ’? How could I have been _any_ more obvious?”

Wakatoshi blinks. Tendou’s mouth sags open even more as he struggles to find his voice, his face the picture of utter bewilderment.

“I hug you all the time?!”

“Yes, but Reon does so too, to the team/with our teammates/?.”

“I _sat in your lap_ during lunch breaks.”

“You’re a tactile person…?”

The volume of Tendou’s voice raises in sync with his exasperation. “I call you hot _at least_ once a week.” He narrows his eyes as Wakatoshi prepares to protest. “And don’t try to compare this to Semisemi – he only calls people hot to annoy Kenjirou.”

Wakatoshi closes his mouth. He had honestly thought Tendou was just trying to boost his confidence. He complimented the others all the time too, after all, but – maybe not quite in such a graphic way.

“I wrote you _poems_!” Tendou’s tone is carrying an almost desperate quality by now. “And I compare you to shit like Disney princes all the time?”

“Well, you’re very creative. It didn’t necessarily have to do with me?”

“I literally gave you a picture album with love poems for your birthday, Wakatoshi!”

Ushijima sucks in his cheeks. Well if you put it like that… “I thought you were being nice. You know what kind of books I read, so I just thought…”

Tendou groans, giving up on his rant. He rubs his hands over his eyes before straightening his back and staring at Wakatoshi like he’s going to challenge him to a duel.

“~Well?.” His attempt at cool detachment is foiled by the way his blush still colours his ears. “~Do you want to kiss me or not~?”

Ushijima nods his head quickly, not wanting to ruin this chance. His throat itches when Tendou moves forward and he begs his body to not betray him in this crucial moment. _‘I can’t cough, I can’t cough, I can’t-’_

“~You’re sure about this, right?” Tendou’s leaning forward again, his face so close that Ushijima can feel his breath on his lips as he talks. “We don’t have to? We could just hold hands, or-”

Ushijima reaches up, hooking his right hand behind Tendou’s neck to gently pull him forward. He almost forgets to close his eyes – mesmerized by the faint freckles that cover Tendou’s eyelids, as he tilts his head to the side and moves even closer. He quickly closes them when thin lips press hesitantly against his own, trying to focus on the warm skin pressed to his face and the cold fingertips that are holding his jaw.

There’s no fireworks.                 

No singing angels or time that stands still – the way it’s described in some of his books.

Ushijima doesn’t care. He could pledge with an honest heart that these last few seconds have been the best of his life, even if the execution was a little awkward. And if the way Satori’s eyes are shining is any indication, he feels the same way.

* * *

They’re startled from their reveries by a slamming door somewhere down the hall, reminding them of their surroundings. Tendou moves back a little, his fingers still lingering on Wakatoshi’s jaw.

“~We should get moving, so the others won’t think Seijoh has kidnapped you or something~.” His gaze is as soft as their kiss was, clashing with his teasing tone of voice.

They end up stealing the trashcan of the next-door office to dump the flowers, before making their way back to their official changing room.

Wakatoshi feels lighter than he has in weeks. A wild image surges up in his brain; of his body – floating upwards like a balloon, a frantic Tendou trying to catch him before he drifts off. He’s brought back to the present by Satori’s shoulder bumping into his own – grounded by the way the back of their hands brush against each other with every couple steps.

Satori seems to be happy too, walking with so much spring in his step he’s basically bouncing up and down next to Wakatoshi. His happiness carries over to his voice when he gleefully says: “~Let’s not tell Semi about this, okay, Wakatoshi~kun?” Long fingers glide in between his own, holding them so loosely Ushijima could break their grasp with only the smallest of movements.

He glances at his left, his questioning look enough to prompt Tendou to continue talking. In an afterthought he bends his fingers, securing his hold on Tendou’s hand. The smile he gets in return is blinding.

“~But really, we mustn’t ever tell him how all this went down. We’ll never hear the end of it otherwise. Can you _imagine_ what Semisemi would say if I’d tell him how-”

“If you tell me _what_?”

Ushijima tries not to laugh at the way Satori freezes, his head turning in a puppet-like fashion to stare at the enraged setter behind them.

“What the hell were you guys even _doing_? Coach has threatened us with a week of suicide runs if we couldn’t find you within 15 minutes. Everyone is looking for you idiots! I’m going to kick your asses!”

Never has Ushijima been happier for Semi’s lacking sense of direction. His eyes land back on Satori when he feels the little pull on this hand – Satori mouthing “run!” only one second before taking off, dragging Ushijima along with him.

Wakatoshi has the weird urge to laugh – so he does, his deep baritone joining Tendou’s high cackles as they run through the corridor as fast as they can – hands moving wildly as they try to outrun a shouting Semi behind them.

**_“One should not try to touch the light, my boy. Have I not told you of Icarus? Once a human has tasted the love of the sun, their eyes will forever be turned skywards, ignoring the ground and its safety below.”_ **

But what is there to fear if the sun’s right here with him? Holding his hand?

There might have been a time where Ushijima Wakatoshi would have remained rooted to the earth, forcing his gaze forward instead of up. Refusing to run. Fearing the edge. Fearing the fall.

But that was before. Before the bright boy laughing next to him, while running through an empty hallway. He’s not afraid of running to the edge of the earth anymore. Wakatoshi’s not afraid. He runs to the edge with Tendou.

He jumps…

And flies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again – thank you all for sharing this experience with me. :)  
> I’m quite the slow writer, but I promise my other ideas will be worked out and posted in the end.  
> Also: a big thank you to everyone who’s left me comments! :) As I’ve mentioned before; comments allow me to grow and become a better writer, so I’m really grateful for any feedback I get.
> 
> Ps: I want to mention that even though the story was following Ushijima's thought process, all songs were chosen by following **_Tendou's perspective_**. People who know the full story should be able to connect the lyrics to whatever Tendou is feeling at the moment a certain chapter takes place. :)
> 
> Pss: I did have a specific song in mind when Ushi’s listening to music. :) If you know some Kpop groups, you might be able to guess who’s it is from reading the hospital visit :p (people who want to confirm can always ask, of course)
> 
> Visual for Ushi’s flowers: [Tumblr](http://riseoftheplanetofthesnapes.tumblr.com/post/183322112859/moodboard-for-my-hanahaki-fic) & [Twitter](https://twitter.com/AsimiShadowborn/status/1104162540169383942)
> 
> * * *
> 
> Talk Tendou to me! – You can do so in the comments or on [Tumblr](http://riseoftheplanetofthesnapes.tumblr.com/) & [Twitter](https://twitter.com/AsimiShadowborn)  
> (Other subjects are welcome too, though :p)


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